I’m Officially a Texan, Y’all

Well, it is official, after almost 7 years I, Jennifer Lynne Shidler, a born and raised Hoosier, am officially a Texan, and I have H-E-B to thank! YEEE HAW!

“But Jennifer, wouldn’t your “Texan” status have been granted the minute you got your driver’s license or purchased property?”

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Well, I can see how you would think these acts would make you a true Texan, but the truth is, this is a two-step process. You can accept Texas all you want and say “y’all hail Mary’s” until your face turns blue, but until Texas accepts you back, a true Texan you are not.

Low and behold, on Friday, November 9 2018 at 11:58 am I received my admission letter in the form of a Facebook notification.

“Facebook? How, ah, informal of them..”

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Hey! I don’t need a fancy document to prove my new-found state membership! Besides, some of the greatest most powerful people in the world use social media to get their points across and no one thinks any differently about them….(sigh)

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Anyway, back to how all this started. Earlier in the day I came across a Facebook video (watch it HERE) of a wayward Turkey who had accidently made its way into the living room of an unsuspecting couple. The video was cute, I had to hit the share button and tagged my favorite grocery store, HEB, and went about my day.

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What’s HEB you ask? Only the greatest supermarket ever (that’s right Kroger, I said it). They are based out of Texas and there are at least 7 of them within a half hour drive of my house. They are the only place I feel comfortable buying sushi from that isn’t a restaurant, they offer curbside pick-up and they deliver straight to your door. THEY DO IT ALL.

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I was putting away laundry and my phone went off. There it was. HEB commented on my post (blue verified check mark and all). In fact, not only did they acknowledge my existence with a comment, but they threw in an exclamation point and a winking face emoji just to boost my ego. Did we just become best friends? YEP!

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I always knew this day would come but I had no idea it would be on some idle Friday while in my pajamas folding laundry.

To my dear Indiana, it’s been a great ride. You taught me a lot about life and you will always be my first home, but I must go now. My grocery store needs me. Yall take care now, ya hear.

 

 

 

 

 

HOW NOT TO PREPARE FOR A 18HR CAR RIDE..

….because being practical and flying is soo 1903..

Ahh, the great American road trip; hours of ispy, rock, paper scissors and STOP TOUCHING ME, that childhood memories and divorces are made of.  Nothing tests the strength of your patience and marriage more than sitting side by side in a car with someone for 18hrs.

4 years ago when I married a private pilot, I thought my long distance driving days were over. I could not have been farther from the truth. So today I bring you  6 steps to prepare for your long journey that will not only secure your marriage but your sanity.

1.) Proper sound is track required. Now I know I mentioned how important it is to save ones marriage in this impossibly long trip, but you cant win all the battles and in our house hold, music is where there is definitely a dividing line. We agreed when we left Texas that who ever was driving picked the music on the radio. If you want to listen to 5 hours of Jimmy Buffett and George Strait (I don’t care if you are honoring his last concert) that is fine by me, but you better be prepared for 7 hours straight of Streisand, Bel Biv Devoe, Neil Diamond (#sogood, #sogood, #sogood shout out to Amy Lambert) Frozen and Fiddler on The Roof. Nothing wakes your senesces up more than Singing shouting the hills are alive with the sound of music at 3 in the am.

Speaking of music….

2.) Scientists and country music artists everywhere have proven that your vocal talents really sound the best at three am. Its a mix of confined spaces, tired enthusiasm and deep tenor snoring accompaniments that make a Grammy performance . So don’t be afraid to turn that radio up…and find your favorite rumble patch along the road and give the best Bob Dylan impression you can do. (Ps for better acoustics or for more daring musicians/driver, the Bob Dylan effect also works great on railroad tracks.. preferably abandoned 🙂

3.)  Become better at recognizing the difference between deer eyes, large white wild flowers and road side reflectors. You know the game duck duck goose..this is similar..reflector reflector.. DEER!!!

Speaking of road kill….

4.) Issue all warnings and memos to wild life prior to departure, you know, just in case your “reflector, reflector, DEER, skills are rusty. I find that in cases like this a simple ‘form letter’ will work perfectly and can be adjusted to the particular state and wildlife you are aiming to reach. Feel free to use mine.

“ To the deer and other medium to large sized wild life residents of Arkansas, don’t think for 1 second that I did not see your beady little eyes staring at us from the side of the road. you stay put and I will do my thing and you will do yours. Please let the dead raccoon next to mile marker 215 serve as your one and only warning…good day” ©

5.) Scented sachets make your car smell great from just sitting there, but by placing them over defrost vents makes your car smell even fresher at 430 in the morning when your husband, who has been snoring for an hour, passes gas and you are left with no way out. Just flip the vent from air conditioning to defrost (full power for those hard to tackle stenches) and  BAM..your no longer in a stuffy dodge journey in the middle of Arkansas reliving last nights tacos, but now in the middle of a Kirkland’s, Bath and Body Works or  Yankee Candle Company.

And finally the most important step of them all…

6.) Have your imaginary brakes serviced. Even the most novice of back seat/front seat drivers, know the importance of fake brake control.  The imaginary brake is like the Schrödinger’s cat (Schrödinger who? read about him HERE..)of long distance driving. Unless you press the fake brake you may be either dead or alive.  

“Don’t Worry, I Found it on Craigslist…”

It started like most other internet adventures begin..I was bored, it was cold/rainy outside, and the people or things I generally “stalk” (just to be clear, see this article here to see if you are an official Facebook stalker, I ‘think’ I passed lol)  on Facebook were apparently living non-virtual lives at the time (ugh). I became hard pressed to find something better to do. So for kicks and laughs I wondered on to Craigslist to see what the local Texans & not so local Hoosiers were giving away or selling. And since not everyone has the time to casually scour craigslist like I, I have compiled a list for you so that you can perhaps spend those hard earned tax checks, the right way! P.s. if any of my readers were the original authors of these real posts ( a big part of me hopes not!) consider this as more of a new marketing strategy than sheer mockery. For all others reading this..please feel free to “lol” “SMH” “ROTFL” and “LMBO” or whatever other clever acronym you can think of.

Animals…yep..we got em’!

1.) If you or yours are looking to start a new business in the booming world of poultry, than craigslist has got you covered! These were just 2 of the countless posts of sellers seeking buyers for their feathered friends! I learned a few things from this experience..1. Did you know that there are more than one breed of chickens? 2. Like most Apple products today, its best that you pre-order your chicken, as to avoid them selling out before you get yours they are apparently in high demand. and 3. You get a 72 hour warranty on their life..that’s it. After those 72 hours its a shoe box a shovel and tears shed for a broken business..but no replacements (at least with apple you get a one year warranty!)

2.) As for this second post from “Sean”, there are many things I find worrying and confusing here. 1st red flag, you gave it a search tag of “prohibited” that sounds real legit! Also, I feel you may have had more luck/success with this post if you changed a few things. First, make it more inviting.. (And less illegal..that will help you too…) “Friendly “pet” rooster seeks friendship from funny Texas chicken little. Must be looking to start a family but willing to give up one or more of offspring at the choosing of my human guardian Sean. Must be willing to travel as my family and I are from Haiti. Can’t wait to hear from you..” Picture9

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3.) What if poultry isn’t your cup of tea? That’s alright, the wonderful residents of Terre Haute have you covered with the best of the best. Meet this female dumbo rat! I have lovingly named her Muffins, but if you purchase her for your family, feel free to name her what you please! She does come complete with a new hamster cage (makes sense..I cant remember the last time I saw a proper rat cage at Wal-Mart that wasn’t from the lovely people of D-Con) and proper utensils. She is well behaved and well dressed as she has a ‘nice coat’ (probably came from Burlington!) Picture1

4.) The most popular sought out animal on craigslist tied between cats and dogs of course. Which is completely understandable. Who wouldn’t want to buy their next pets from here, especially with such warm and welcoming descriptions the next two give… I am so confused by this first post, I cant decide whether the source is trying to find kittens so he can feed his pet snakes, or he is trying to warn the good pet owners of America that there is a mid to high risk that a rouge vigilante snake owner army out there that may try to steal my cats to feed to their snakes. . If the second half is true..WHY IS NO ONE WARNING THE PEOPLE!! lets start a petition, get a celebrity spokes person, put together a facebook group, organize a prime time concert and raise the funds so that we can save these critters Cats are friends..NOT SNAKE FOOD! “WAKE UP PEOPLE IF YOU LOVE YOUR KITTENS” Picture3 130130-220932

5.) They say when selling a property that location location location is every thing. I’m pretty sure with craigslist its all about the title. With that said, I couldn’t help but click on a post that said “good loving sexy pit-bull” further more I couldn’t help but read said post to decide if the good loving sexy pitbull was in fact referring to the animal or the owners (eeek).. (I blocked the faces to protect the innocence of the dog..lol).

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Craigslist, the premier provider of used batteries, flip phones and used furniture…

Kids these days, they have it made! When I was youngin’ when we wanted to go through peoples old random junk, we had to wait till that person put their stuff on the curb ready for trash dasy. THis person was not always your neighbor (although when it was, YEEE HAWWW) so you had to scope it out..know your houses and know your trash days ( just for the record..I never did this honest ) Well now a days, people post online their actual address (seems real smart to me..not) what was going to be on the curb and when it was going out. Where is the fun in that, you have taken the hunt out! The following are what I like to think of as “come and get it ya’ll” posts…

6.) The first picture, came to us from the “historic” district of temple (yep..that’s one history lesson i don’t want to learn..). Sir, You had me at yellow, you sealed the deal at velvet, and left me with tears of joy at free. These people went with the honest sales approach.. “its old and seen better days..& hasn’t been rained on…yet”

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7.) As a person who sells cell phones for a living, this next post is near and dear to my heart. For 10$ this person is selling a sprint flip phone. Now, i know what your thinking..10$ what’s the catch? No catch that I can see..(other than the carrier lol) it comes with full ‘signal bars’, 2 1/2 g’s service, it is easy to ‘texas’ on (text on to most people lol)  polyphonic Britney Spears ringtone, snake…IN COLOR..all the kernels are intact (bahahah)  and it makes that snap noise when you open it that says “I’m large.. in charge”Picture15

8.) How many times have you bought the kids a new toy and thought “dang it..forgot the batteries” well no more are the nights of running quickly to wal-mart to grab the batteries. Now, just pull up the C-list, get your batteries and refill your bottle of vitamins while your at it. Picture22 “60% of the time..these batteries will work every time..” I find it alarming that they didn’t find the effort to test all the batteries, but did take the time to compile a basic pie chart of the amount of power left total.  Even more alarming on my part is that it took me a full minute to figure out what the “five one two 568 four six six three” nonsense was..must be a new language that only true craiglisters get..(I know now its a phone number..lol)

9.) If your in the area of Harker Heights, we can get you a great deal on a work out mat.  Not Picture14a lot of info nor a price, but we have a motivated seller as they want it gone NOW.! I am not entirely sure what this yoga mat did or what it is capable of doing, but buyer be cautious as the previous owner does not appear to be completely satisfied..

10.) Remember that booming chicken business you allowed your self to think about starting when you first started reading this blog post…well I got you your chicken coupe to complete your ensemble! Your chickens will have the hottest crib on the block in this luxurious 3 bedroom 2 bath chicken condo. While most poultry are not normally migratory birds, with beauty, you can pack up your fine feather friends and head for the south when the weather gets to be a bit cold! How many of those standard model coupes can do that, huh?

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Looking for people…yep, we got them too..

This is perhaps the creepiest part of craigslist. After reading some of these posts I felt the need to shower…twice. Others were harmless..some even promising!

11.) The only promising one out of the lot Picture26was a job post fit for a special person. Only craigslist can you find a job that pays you 15 dollars to distract a cat from its owner until the sun is bright enough for a window nap. 15 dollars an hour..a cat.. and they are providing breakfast and lunch. Sign me up!

12.) The harmless but still weird post is from an individual who is seeking an R. Kelly impersonator Picture7to narrate their day to day life. Sounds harmless as the applicant would get an hourly rate, although i don’t think there will be any health benefits offered. Intrigued, I did a quick Google search since i really don’t know who R. Kelly is and quickly determined that I would probably not pass the first round of auditions..maybe next time.

13.) The weird just keeps getting weirder…Picture13this post was simply titled john and was posted a mere 23 minutes before I had stumbled upon it. Apart from the poor grammar, the post in all sounded like a drunk conversation or at best a long Facebook status. I cant be 100% sure, but it is possible that the author was listening to “every breath you take” by the police as they were writing this. (Ps. if you know john very well..why do you not know his last name so that you can facebook stalk him like the rest of us…lol)

14.) The ONLY reason I am posting this next and last ad is because I feel that I may be of some service by helping these lost souls make their connections. Earlier in this blog (#5) we discovered in the animal section a “good loving sexy pit-bull” that was looking for a new home that promised not to poop or pee on the carpet (can’t necessarily promise that with the alternative..). While this current post is looking for something in the 18 year age range, this puppy is almost there in dog years and if I do say so myself that pit-bull does look pretty classy..(or was it lassy..either way)

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