The Piggy That Went To Market…..

……And Never Came Home

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What do you get for the person who has everything? A gift card? Flowers? Fruit of the month membership?

How about for the person who has just casually lost a toe at home like it was no big deal (Yep..I said toe..no awkward auto correct here). A get well card? New socks?

I mean, at least for baby teeth, you just DM the Tooth Fairy, she drops a dollar or two under the pillow and you call it a day. —Side note, what are kids making these days for teeth? I imagine with inflation the whole exchange is worth more now than it was 25 years when I last cashed in on that ‘savings bond’.

Before you answer the real question at hand, I feel like I must explain my situation just a bit. If you are squeamish…move along..trust me..

It all started with an ant bite. Yep, you read that right, an ant bite. If you are a long time follower of my blog, you know that 1. I already hate ants (read here) and 2.  I take care of my mom who is in ‘end stage renal failure’.

My mom, who is freezing even when its 90* outside (side effect of Dialysis), has turned my garage into a little living room complete with T.V. , fridge, recliner and microwave (sounds weird but I promise you, a lot of people do that around here..).

One day the ants went marching one by one (hooh rah..hooh rah..) and decided to make a picnic of my moms foot while she was napping post dialysis. These ants weren’t just black ants, by the way, these were Texas Fire Ants. Other wise known as ‘satan’s little gardeners’.

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This situation all took place last summer. Since then, she has had two surgery’s. One to remove her big toe (buh bye..) and the second surgery to try to save the another one (spoiler alert..second surgery didn’t work)…Now we have a long-standing appointment every Wednesday to see her podiatrist/wound care specialist in an attempt to help her body fight off an infection where every one else would just rub some cream on it, grab some gasoline to light the ant mound on fire and then call it a day.

Now, to say I’m squeamish, is an understatement. With that in mind, my mom often excludes me from graphic discussions about what is going on underneath 30lbs of gauze and bandages on her foot. Until one day, I walked in on my mom and her home nurse re doing the dressing on her foot. It was then that I noticed that she was down half a toe. As you can imagine, I had some questions and a lot of statements. Mom and the nurse laughed as they realized I was pretty much clueless to what was going on. Apparently, they have been anxiously awaiting for the toe to drop off. Just wating…like you wait for pizza rolls to cook in the microwave. Ding..its done or gone. (Andddd I just ruined pizza rolls for myself…)

So, here we are one month, post-toe and I have yet to present my mom with an adequate gift to commemorate such a ‘special’ occasion…here are some of the leading ideas suggested by friends, family and the Dr. himself….

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In Memorian of Vincent Jingle Bottoms

If you joined us Saturday, you will know we broke a news story about Vincent the Elf (here). Today we honor him..

Vincent Jingle Bottoms

June 12, 1340 – December 26, 2018

Vincent Jingle Bottoms, 678, of Nolanville, (formally of the North Pole) passed away Wednesday, Dec. 26, 2018, at his residence. He was born on June 12, 1340, in the North Pole, to Master Elves, Dancer and Sparkle (Sugar Plum) Jingle Bottoms.

He graduated from the St. Nick School of Expectational Elves in 1360 and received an additional degree from Purdue University in Engineering in 1987. Vincent was a member of the North Pole United Hockey Team where he played goalie. He enjoyed reading, gift wrapping and spending time with his family.

Vincent was preceded in death by his father, Dancer, and pet cat, Rowdy.
He is survived by his adoptive Christmas family, Matthew & Jennifer Shidler, and pets Mosby (cat) Wrigley & Lucy (dogs)

A celebration of life will be held Monday December 31st. Family and friends are encouraged to attend and share stories, poems and memories of their time with Vincent. Cremation was originally chosen but due to current circumstances surrounding Vincent’s death and the ongoing investigation by the FBI, the family has chosen a private burial at a later time in an undisclosed location. All arrangements have been entrusted to Hefty & Sons.

Memorial contributions may be made to GoFundMe where an account has been started to cover burial costs. Any remaining funds will go towards grief counseling for Santa and his remaining elves as well as support groups for other elves dealing with domestic violence situations.

300 Writing Prompts # 2: Write Tonight’s News Headline At Your House….

Imagine you are a news anchor. Write the beginning of tonight’s newscast script.

INTRO MUSIC:

VOICE OVER: “Proud to serve central Nolanville and the west side of Boxer Street, this is WYRU-Reading News 38. Closed captioning of the following programing is brought to you by WYRU- Reading & the First National Bank of Piggy. And now Boxer Streets leading newscaster Jennifer Lynne.”

Jennifer: Good evening and thank you for joining us. Our top story tonight:  A local family finds themselves a little less merry and bright tonight after what authorities are calling the worst attack on an elf in decades.  The 678-year-old Christmas Elf which was reported missing early Wednesday was found dead in his holiday vacation home early this afternoon.

Boxer Street police said a family member discovered the body underneath the couch in the shared family house at about 1:30 p.m. on Decemember 29th. The Elf, who has been identified as Vincent, was spending the extended holiday at his new vacation shelf in Nolanville, according to a family friend.

The FBI joined the investigation because the elf initially was reported missing the day after Christmas by authorities in charge of attendance compliance at the North Pole.

Police detectives and crime scene investigators began searching the house late Thursday after obtaining a warrant. Not all details of the crime have been released by investigators yet.

The medical examiner’s office says the cause of death is being ruled as blunt force trauma and sharp force injuries similar to a mauling or bear attack. Police Chief Mosby said. As such, this case is being considered a homicide.

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It is Boxer Streets first homicide of 2019, Chief Mosby said.

No arrests have been made as of yet, but 2 suspects, Wrigley and Lucy Shidler, remain in police custody for questioning.

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Suspects being held for questioning

Neighbors described Vincent as a friendly, outgoing elf. “Always keeping a watchful eye, and leaving presents for his family” said Carla Kilburn, a friend close to the family. “His personality – he was very stoic yet charming.”

“This is almost dreamlike,” said Kilburn. “It just didn’t seem true at all, I guess he must have over stayed his welcome.”

A GoFund me account has been started in Vincent’s name to cover cremation and burial costs. Any remaining funds will go towards grief counseling for Santa and his remaining elves as well as support groups for other elves dealing with domestic violence situations.

Police ask that anyone with information on this case are urged to contact Boxer Street PD at (765) 867-5309

 

 

 

A Christmas Poem…

The following poem is based on semi true events….

One day I’ll share the full story of what happened that fateful night, but only when my therapist gives me the ok. 

T’was the night before Christmas and all through the house, flour was everywhere, mostly down my blouse.

The pie crust was flung over the pan without care in hopes that salmonella would not be there.

The puppies had burrowed down deep in the chair, burying their noses from what smelled like burnt hair

And Matthew with the fire extinguisher and I with the water, while mom’s in the corner screaming “Why even bother!!”

When out of the alarm there arose annoying chatter, I hit it with the broom to shut it up faster

Away to the oven we flew like a flash, tore open the garbage pail, because this pies now trash

The smoke in the kitchen had begun to grow, just the cherry on top of this Christmas sh*t show

When, what to my watery eyes should I see, a pristine frozen pie baked by Sara Lee

With the oven still on I knew pretty quick, I could salvage this Christmas like a pig with lipstick

The pie was in one piece, who cares it’s not cherry, “just don’t burn it this time, this is our last Hail Mary”

The timer was set, I wound it myself, “if they want a fresh pie next year they can bake it their self.”

As the buzzer went off no one batted an eye, hope Santa doesn’t mind the taste of mincemeat pie.

I’m Officially a Texan, Y’all

Well, it is official, after almost 7 years I, Jennifer Lynne Shidler, a born and raised Hoosier, am officially a Texan, and I have H-E-B to thank! YEEE HAW!

“But Jennifer, wouldn’t your “Texan” status have been granted the minute you got your driver’s license or purchased property?”

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Well, I can see how you would think these acts would make you a true Texan, but the truth is, this is a two-step process. You can accept Texas all you want and say “y’all hail Mary’s” until your face turns blue, but until Texas accepts you back, a true Texan you are not.

Low and behold, on Friday, November 9 2018 at 11:58 am I received my admission letter in the form of a Facebook notification.

“Facebook? How, ah, informal of them..”

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Hey! I don’t need a fancy document to prove my new-found state membership! Besides, some of the greatest most powerful people in the world use social media to get their points across and no one thinks any differently about them….(sigh)

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Anyway, back to how all this started. Earlier in the day I came across a Facebook video (watch it HERE) of a wayward Turkey who had accidently made its way into the living room of an unsuspecting couple. The video was cute, I had to hit the share button and tagged my favorite grocery store, HEB, and went about my day.

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What’s HEB you ask? Only the greatest supermarket ever (that’s right Kroger, I said it). They are based out of Texas and there are at least 7 of them within a half hour drive of my house. They are the only place I feel comfortable buying sushi from that isn’t a restaurant, they offer curbside pick-up and they deliver straight to your door. THEY DO IT ALL.

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I was putting away laundry and my phone went off. There it was. HEB commented on my post (blue verified check mark and all). In fact, not only did they acknowledge my existence with a comment, but they threw in an exclamation point and a winking face emoji just to boost my ego. Did we just become best friends? YEP!

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I always knew this day would come but I had no idea it would be on some idle Friday while in my pajamas folding laundry.

To my dear Indiana, it’s been a great ride. You taught me a lot about life and you will always be my first home, but I must go now. My grocery store needs me. Yall take care now, ya hear.

 

 

 

 

 

Getting Old {ish} With Jennifer

A few weeks ago we explored the possibilities of whether I, Jennifer, of 30 year old sound{ish} body and mind, am in fact an adult, or instead an adult in training (read that post here). I decided that half of the issue may be that I’ve never really “applied and interviewed” for the position of adulthood. Being married and having a mortgage just isnt enough.

So to whom it may concern, might I present to you my Resume to Be an Adult for your review and acceptance.

Good Idea; Bad Idea

Over the last 10 months, I have been keeping a running list of all my good ideas that have ultimately ended in bad ideas. Today, I share with you my wisdom through experience. Please take heed….

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Good Idea: Stocking your bathroom with plenty of fresh clean towels

Bad Idea: Running naked/wet to other end of the house where the linen closet is. The cats are showing signs of bad vision and the neighbors will no longer look you in the eye.

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Good idea: Buying your favorite ice cream to be enjoyed on a hot summer’s day.

Bad Idea: Buying your favorite ice cream to be enjoyed on a hot Texas summers day, and forgetting it is in the car for about an hour.

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Good idea: Giving your cats a bath every few months or so

Bad idea: Giving your cats a bath every few months or so without sedating them first

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Good Idea: Plugging your phone in at night before you go to bed so it is charged for work the next day

Bad Idea: Plugging your phone in at night without first making sure that your cord is actually plugged in to the outlet

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Good Idea: Listening to great road trip songs like “Running on empty” By Jackson Browne and “Drivers Seat” by Sniff “n” the Tears while on a 16 hour car ride

Bad Idea: Being in the drivers seat in the middle of a 16 hour car ride, when the dashboard tells you that you are in fact running on empty and the nearest gas station is 30 minutes away.

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Good Idea: Keeping a fully stocked pantry with all essential staples such as tuna, ketchup and your favorite salad dressings.

Bad Idea: Only going through that pantry once every 5 years to find that the thousand island dressing was in fact ranch dressing with an expiration date past due more years than you and your husband have been together

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Good idea: Using generic house products like great value Lemon Pledge to dust your furniture, and great value cooking spray to coat your cooking pans versus the brand name versions, it gets the job done just the same.

Bad Idea: Laying both of these generic products next to each other on the counter leaving you 100% positive that your bookshelf will never stick to the pan if you decide to put it in the oven, and giving your salmon that extra splash of lemon you always wanted.

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Good Idea: Using a leash when taking your cat for walks around the block.

Bad Idea: Taking your cat for a walk around the block, with or without a leash.

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Good Idea: Driving through Arkansas to get to Indiana to save an hour on your total time.

Bad Idea: Driving through Arkansas at 1 am only to see deer and other medium to large sized wild life residents and their beady little eyes staring at you from the side of the road. You will stay put and I will do my thing and you will do yours. Let the dead raccoon next to mile marker 215 serve as your one and only warning.