Getting Old {ish} With Jennifer

You’ve heard of having a mid-life crisis, right? Well, I like to have a midnight crisis. My thought process at night when I should be sleeping but can’t is reminiscent of a hyper active squirrel struggling to bury all his nuts just days before hibernation. (googles to see if squirrels actually hibernate…they don’t). I am anxious, disorganized, and frantic.

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it appears squirrels and I have more in common than I thought

Lately we have been binge watching Comedians in Cars Drinking Coffee with Jerry Seinfeld as well as NBC’s Seinfeld. 3am rolled around rather quickly and I decided that I needed to go to sleep, so I turned the tv off in an effort to fall asleep. That didn’t work, so instead I took a stroll through IMDB for interesting facts on Jerry himself and the show (I live for IMDB trivia, it is my most used app after Facebook).

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That was when I saw it. At the time of the pilot of NBC’s Seinfeld, the character of Elaine is written to be the age of 27. 27 years old. This led me down the Wikipedia rabbit hole. Next thing I know I was the head of my own make believe census and was researching the ages of all my favorite characters during their debut on their respective shows. For instance, the cast of Friends are written to be in their mid 20’s when the show begins. Will & Grace, 30 years old. I’m 30, that can’t be right.

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Now I know what you’re thinking, “Who cares how old a fictional character is on a show that’s been off the air for 20 years?” Well, I do. You see, I grew up watching these shows and in my mind, those characters will always be “older” than me. They are real adults and I’m still a young adult, an imposter if you will, waiting to have my training wheels taken off.  They are a moving goal. No matter how old I get, I will never catch up to them. In reality, I kinda have. At season 1 episode 1 of any of these shows, I am supposed to be in the same stage of life as them. Yikes.

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Teach your adult to be an adultier adult in 5 days!

 

It seems so surreal to me. I don’t seem nearly as responsible as these people. (George Costanza, Joey Tribbiani are not included in this equation for obvious reason) I mean, if I was in a room with a bunch of people and something were to happen that an adult is needed, I don’t think I would raise my hand to volunteer right away. Not that I wouldn’t want to help, but because my first instinct would be to find a more adultier adult. It’s like when you fly and the flight attendants show you how to find the exits and remind you that sometimes the closest exit is behind you. Well, I would look around for an adultier adult forgetting that in some instances, the adultiest adult could be me. Lord help us all!

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How Not to survive a day at the park….

Because you should totally take advice from me, the Ariel of six flags hurricane harbor, Arlington Texas.

First and for most, I must say I had a blast with my girls, De-bor-ah and Liz lemon, celebrating Debbie’s birthday!! The bond we share, (the side eye, awkward laugh, this is why I love you, what had happened was, no ma’am, donut getting, know what the other one is thinking or looking at without having to say it out loud kind of bond) is a friendship like no other.

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Second, before I begin, I just want to make it clear that you will not see any mocking of swim suits and the bodies they are attached to in the post. I am the LAST person that needs to be making judgment calls based on beach ware as I once received an epic wedgie’ from a massive water slide that went unnoticed for a half hour. Your welcome  for that intense visualization in advanced.

1.) Sun tan lotion and sunscreen….know the difference. Make the wrong decision and it becomes the deciding factor between sun kissed beauty and fried lobster.

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2.) Choose a friend with a good attention span and great spatial reasoning to apply your sun screen. If you choose wrong the consequences could be scary and psychedelic. My friend Debbie here, selected the wrong sunscreen buddy (Cough Cough Liz Lemon) ,and will be living with the side effects of tie dyed skin for weeks to come. Lets all share a moment of silence for Debbie and her sunburned back.

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3.) If your bored while waiting in an hour long line for a 30 second ride, play fun games like iSpy or a new family favorite, appendix, appendix, no appendix (Similar to duck duck goose and reflector reflector, DEER if you read my last blog).  Its fun, simple and you don’t even have to be a brain general surgeon to play!

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4.) Fix your hair in a way that won’t leave you frustrated and irritated the whole day. Nothing more obnoxious that fixing a pony tail every 3 mins. With this warning I give you another. If you pick a hairstyle as classy as cornrowesque twist’s tight in the top of you head, please wear sunscreen (not sun tan lotion) unless you want to look like a college ruled note book with a chance of bad dandruff in the weeks that follow, please head my advice.
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5.) Find a place you can relax. Many would choose the lazy river for this..well I am here to tell you that in some cases, this is not the place to go. The lazy river is the only place in the park that you can go from relaxed to kicked to groped (on accident) in less than 25 seconds. For tense situations such as this, I have borrowed techniques from other frustrated and disgruntled adults before me ( shout out to Marc Antony/William Shakespeare) and have written a simple speech that shall be read upon my entrance in to said lazy river. “Friends, Parents, Children, lend me your ears. The lazy river is for relaxation, not hyper-ness. The splashing and running you all do, will follow behind you, as I am bigger than you and can splash 10 times harder…take heed and take cover”

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