Well ladies and gentlemen, we did it. Another All-Hallows Eve is upon us. What, if at all, do I dress up as this year? In my research for Halloween greatness I have found there to be several categories for casual dress up and yet I seem to fit in none of them (story of my life). Let us explore these unwanted categories together, shall we.
Category 1: Family friendly dress up
Kids make dressing up on Halloween socially accepted and more fun when you are an adult. But, unless you can find a way to get my 24 lb. cat with a mood disorder (isn’t that all cats though?) to stay in a monkey costume for longer than 5 seconds, this category doesn’t apply to me sadly.
Category 2: Night of The Living Inappropriate
Dead sexy or I guess ‘sexy dead’ seems to be the go-to theme for Halloween parties in your 20/30s. Sexy dead nurse, sexy dead nun, sexy dead road kill, wait what?! I’m past my 20’s and last time I checked, a beat-up ground hog wearing a bikini with bronzer and highlighter wasn’t my idea of a good time. (For the record I never visited this costume phase. I Did not pass go and did not collect 200$).
Category 3: Couple or Group Costume
Salt & pepper, bacon & eggs, and Barbie and Ken. The more the merrier right? Wrong. This was the category for me until I remembered that all my friends live 1000 miles away and the chances of getting my husband to dress up as Barbie while I steal the show as Ken, is slim to none.
So where does this leave me? None of the above-mentioned costumes or themes speak to me. I must take matters into my own hands and create a whole new category;
Category 4: Just trying to survive life
In this category, we will explore in more depth the parts of life that are truly horrifying but don’t get enough ‘street cred’ in the costume department.
- Dress up as your favorite expensive bra (because this stuff only happens to the expensive ones), but instead of an “even horizon”, one side is drooping, and the other side is now stabbing you with a wire that was once your supportive friend. Bump up the scary factor a few notches by snapping off two of the four hooks and twisting the strap around five times.
- Dress up as your esophagus after making the dumb decision of eating pizza after 8 p.m. For an added bonus, hold up an empty bottle of tums and a clock that says 4 a.m.
- Dress up as a tube of toothpaste that has been manhandled by a family of 5. There is still plenty of toothpaste left, but due to the unorganized pattern of which it was squeezed, it has been rendered useless. Extra scary points if you can lose the cap and add a stray beard hair…or 3.
- Dress up as the mysterious red blinking LED light that is always invisible during the day when you can do something about it, but at night when you are trying to sleep and don’t have a sledge hammer handy, becomes a beacon of hope for wayward gnats and moths everywhere. Add a high pitch hum or whirring sound to elevate this look to a whole new level.
- Dress up as a questionably sticky surface. Did a cat throw up here? Did a toddler just recklessly eat cotton candy? Perhaps a family of 12 just had pancakes. The point is, we don’t know why it’s sticky, and worse yet, there isn’t a clean towel or drop of water to be found anywhere. Insert cold shudder and sour face here.
There you have it folks, five scary costume ideas for the practical adult. Let me know below what you are dressing up as, unless it’s a sexy dead ground hog, I don’t have time for that here.