How Not To Cook A Turkey Dinner

  About That Evening Post

Turkey Found Abused & Tortured


Temple, Texas–A one year old turkey found dead and burned after what officals are calling an ‘apparent temperature overdose’. “The scene was gruesome, and showed obvious signs of pre-meditation” said Rowdy Hen, Senior detective Temple Police. “The kitchen looked like a bomb went off, and a charged burning stench poured out of the oven.” The defendant in custody, 25 year old Jennifer Shidler, told the reporters that it was an accident and she didnt mean for anyone to get hurt. The call to police came in just after noon on Christmas Day, when neighbors reported hearting strange loud noises, screams and profanity. “All was quite at first, then all the sudden we heard a few shouts, then screaming followed by a thud, then all we heard was crying. Next thing we knew, the whole apartment building began to smell like burnt gym shoes,” Georgia Kipper, neighbor of Shidler, recalled. “We had no idea she (Jennifer) was capable of such cruel devistation.” Shidler is being held without bond while she awaits trial. Services for the Turkey, 1 year old Edward B. Utterball, will be held January 1st at noon…..




















Ok ladies and gentleman, it is the long awaited sequel. Last week I talked about the best strategy on how to shop for your food for your first ever holiday dinner, and i completely intended on the next post (This one) to talk about how to cook that food (specifically the turkey)for the very first time, that is until I realized  I am the very last person to be giving this advice (real or funny). But hey, that hasn’t stopped me before has it ;)The turkey was a bit burnt on the outside..apparently with out a little bit of liquid in the roaster with the turkey and a tempture set 25 degrees higher than intended for an hour longer than intended is a sure fire way to produce an overly done turkey. After a 30 minute cry session and phone chat with the turkey whisper (my mom)the burnt bird was carved and deemed edible by my guests. I repeat, no family or friends were harmed in the making of this Christmas dinner.   

How NOT to cook your first ever Turkey dinner

1.)Pick the perfect bird, give him or her a name. After three phone calls to my mom and three goggle searches in the middle of walmart at 10 oclock at night, we choose Edward (eddie for short). A proud 13 lb butterball. Edward was raised with out hormones,unlike the chef cooking it!I like to imagine that Eddie was raised in a quiet upstate New York farm where he was valedictorian of his class, lived a full life and acomplished all his dreams before retiring to my oven in late 2012. (hey..whatever helps you sleep at night, right?) Dont be alarmed if you find yourself overly attached to your new friend. When you open his packaging and remove the ‘gifts’ he left behind for you in his chest cavity, those warm fuzzy feelings of love and adoration will soon fade. 

2.) Watch every youtube video you can find. As the boyscouts said, be prepared, not scared, I used every waking moment I had, either watching Youtube videos of cheery cooks with proffesional equipment cooking a turkey similar to eddie (probably a distant cousin or neighbor) with the greatest of ease, or reading magazines which showcased birds to pretty to even eat. Instead of taking advice from the Boy Scouts, i should have been taking advice from smokey the bear “Only you can prevent forrest  turkey fires”

3.) Give your bird the propper send off. We choose to brine edward. This meant preparing over 8 quarts (p.s. i took me longer to figure out the conversion rate from quarts to cups then it took the farmer to raise, plumpen, slaugher package and ship edward to my local grociery store. Mathematics fail..) of water, brother and herbal seasoning to create the perfect poultry bubble bath complete with seasonings that would open your sinus’s for a year. The next mission was finding a bag (might has well have been a body bag) big enough to allow him to soak over night. He was pampered until the very end. 

4.)Get up early  whenever you feel like it to put the bird in the oven. Just like setting an alarm to get up in the morning for work, what started out as a 6:00 am wake up call for the last rights of eddie the bird, ended up with 15 snoozes and the thought “ehh christmas dinner served at 9pm sounds alot better” Next thing you know, its noon, the presents are opened the disney parade is over and your suddenly worried because you dont know which will happen first, you will burn the bird, or the chinese resturant will close. 

5.) For the love of God, CHECK THE TURKEY! You dont want the first time you see the bird after putting him in the oven in the morning, to be through a thick smokey haze broken up only by the white fluff of the fire extinguisher. 

6.)Have the number and locations of local Emergency rooms with a color coded map detailing the best routes that will get you and your family there the fastest. This will not only save valuable time ensuring your loved ones saftey, but also allows more time for presents and the parade. Plus, it is more gas efficient (not that there will be a shortage of gas with this holiday dinner) 🙂

 7.)Get the rest of the side dishes ready. I have a tiny kitchen with limited counterspace, combined with my lack of patience and cooking skills, the side dishes were as instant as they could get. The least instant and most originaly of course being my personal favorite is the cranberry sauce 🙂 No formal dinner is complete with out this cranberry gelatin concotion. This special delicacy takes a certain finness to remove the perfect gelatin form fromt he can with out disrupting its perfect shape. Who said cooking the turkey was the hardest part of the meal anyway..

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So Your Cooking Your First Christmas Dinner. Part 1.

;Twas the day of good christmas and all through the house, the food was casually burning, not a piece good enough, even for a mouse. The fire extinguisher was hung by the oven with care, in hopes the fire department would not have to ;soon be there….Ok ok, our family christmas dinner may not have turned out this bad, but the potential was definitely there! In my last post (read it HERE) I spoke of how shopping for holiday presents was not my favorite pastime, and shopping for groceries ranks right up there with it. The aisle are crowded, the check out lines are long, and I, like many other frustrated shoppers, can manage to walk in for a quick trip with specific items in mind, walk out an hour and a half later with 250 dollars with of junk food none of which were on my original quick list, nor do they manage to make one complete meal. Most of the time it is just my husband and I and two cats (who are not that picky thankfully) so the meals tend to be quick and easy. But this week we are hosting our first ever family Christmas dinner. Thats right folks, I, Jennifer Lynne Shidler, is cooking a meal from start to finish, (hopefully with out the aid of the fine members of the Temple Fire Department). In order to prepare for such an event, that means that Matthew and I had to set off on adventure that I genuinely try to avoid. Holiday grocery shopping. After all is said and done, I managed to get all the items I needed and developed another one of my infamous “how to” lists!

How to successfully shop for your first ever Christmas Dinner

Go with a game plan. ;weeks before the actually shopping marathon commences, i like to do a ‘steak out’ (yes pun intended) the store in question. Just like a bank robber casing the joint before the big show goes down, i like to go and map out the aisles, make a color coded diagram and perhaps a shoe box diorama if i have the time. If your lucky/patient enough, you will learn the patterns and schedules of the cashiers. Allowing you to track and record their items scanned per minute average and their average customer service calls per transaction. This step is key as the check out process is one of the most stressful steps. ;
Know your grocery cart “types” There is nothing worse than setting out on a long journey with a bum cart. There are 3 ;

main cart types found in your common grocery stores. First is the squeaker. You know, that cart that sounds like it is auditioning for a solo in the carol of the bells. About halfway through the store you find a squeaky rhythm and next thing you know you have developed your own lyrics and they are now stuck in your head for the next 3 days. The next is the infamous Texas sidewinder. This is the cart that acts like an attention deprived dog on a leash in a park full of cats. You may start out going straight in the aisle, next thing you know your making 90 degree b lines into on coming carts, shelving unites and small unattended children. The last, and possibly the worst cart is the “rode hard and put away wet” cart. This, i think is the worst of all the carts. It is commonly found after a severe rain storm or snow blizzard and was perhaps pulled out of a retention pond just minutes before ending up in your capable hands. The handle bar is either unbearably cold/frozen, sopping wet or an awkward sticky mixture that no amount of wet wipes can fix. Old receipts and mailers are paper machined to the bottom of the basket, zip ties and old gum are holding the only things holding the wheels together and plastic bags are hanging off like streamers. This cart is likely on its last legs but still remains in the cart line up. A week before the event go to the store and tag/pre-select the perfect shopping cart. (don’t be afraid to whip out the GPS trackers) in an effort to secure the perfect cart for your shopping adventure.

Organization is Key. My weapon of choice is an oversized clipboard. Nothing says “back off, I am a serious shopper on a mission” like a clipboard and highlighter with the above mentioned color coded diagram laminated and taped to the back. This not only keeps you on point with what you need and helps minimize the back track blues. Because lets face it, no one wants to be all the way on the straight away of the last leg of a race, only to find that they missed a lap and have to go around again. (Yep, I’m just that lazy) The clipboard also gives you a point of reference to help you see the light at the end of a very long tunnel. You not only need to organize with your clipboard, but you need to keep that perfect cart organized itself. While putting a 12 pound turkey on top of 2 dozen eggs sounds like a winning idea, it really is not. (nor is the bread) ; ; ; ;
Dress the part. Just like the map of middle earth, the different regions of a grocery store require different attire. Tennis ;

shoes are a must. You need to be able to weave in and out of traffic, dash quickly from one end of the aisle to another, jump high, crouch low. The pants and shirt don’t really ;matter, but a easy to remove jacket for the dairy and frozen food sections and perfect grip gloves are ideal for cold grab and go’s. The closer you get to the finish line you can shed the layers!

Don’t be afraid to help direct traffic. It is no secret that one of the most frustrating parts of grocery shopping is the people. Everyone has a cart, everyone has a mission, and we all end up in the same aisle grabbing for the same things at the same time. Just like driving on the open road, knowing the traffic rules in the grocery store could save you a lot of time and energy. It is for this reason that I like to step up and be a leader! ;I bring with me a yield sign, stop sign, an LED blinking light for left turns, and the ever popular back up beeper. But please remember, if you take on this responsibility, know the rule book and memorize the ‘right of ways’. Women with children and elderly people get the right of ways. 25 year old men with beer bellies and a bulk size containers of cheesy puffs ;wait until the green left turn arrow appears. This is non-negotiable. ;
When the sign says, please ask for assistance for items on the top shelf, do it. There is not time in the busy holiday season to make a quick trip to the local emergency room because you didn’t foresee the 10 pound bag of flour falling on your head from the top shelf. ;
Last but not least, try not to take notes in a busy crowded aisle for your semi popular blog as this will back up traffic and will inevitably leave the people around you irritated making your cart an open target for unwanted items placed their by bored strangers. It is funny until you get up to the check out counter with 5 days worth of baby food and preparation h and you don’t have a baby or hemorrhoids.
; ;

Scrooge Goes Shopping…

 

Imagine this shopping experience. It is one week before Christmas. It snowed about a week ago and has been 65 one day, then 20 the next so the snow has just enough time to kind of melt, but then freeze to a nasty blackish brown slush. Every body and their brother are out shopping, and since I’m just someone’s sister (bahaha) the only parking left is by a smelly Long John Silvers dumpster all the way at the other end of the parking lot. You are wearing jeans and tennis shoes (because Santa has yet to bring you a new pair of boots) and they probably have a hole in them. By the time you travel from middle earth to whatever store you are going to, the snow/slush and sidewalk salt combo has absorbed into your pant leg and is now midway up your calf. You finally make it to the store and while it is warm your wet pant legs give you a cold friendly reminder5221772142_1a63e8d19a_m of what’s waiting for you outside. The happy people drinking their Starbucks, whom got the close parking spots and already have their warm snow boots from Santa are looking at you funny because your wet tennis shoes are now squeaking like a cheap duck call every time you take a step. You’ve probably forgot your shopping list in your car but the trip back to middle earth isn’t worth it, so you decide just to ‘wing’ it. You are wearing a coat that is big enough to keep you warm when your outside but is impossible to manage in small aisles, and does not fit in your cart with all your ‘winged’ purchases, so you decide to wear it instead. An hour later you have broke three mugs and whatever shirt you were wearing underneath your coat is drenched with so much sweat that even if you could take your coat off and leave it somewhere, you cant because, lets face it, no one wants to see that. Your not the type of person that does returns or back tracks to stores, so you have to decided right then and there if your going to buy a particular item for a person because once you lay the item down and leave that store, that present no longer exists. Because of this you will spend HOURS looking at the same framed picture of 5 dogs playing poker trying to decided if Is your house on fire Clark?Aunt Bethany is really going to like it, if it’s the right size or if you can get it cheaper at another store.  You decide after coming across grown men and woman fighting over the last cabbage patch doll (ok, I realize that statement is a bit outdated, but I am not a kid nor do I own a kid, therefore I don’t know what the ‘It” present of the year is..so we shall go with what I know) that it is time to go, so you gather up your winged presents and head for the line that looks the shortest and has the smallest chance of having 10 price checks and minimal coupons. Your almost done and home free…300.00 later your back to your house, all of your winged treasures unloaded you find your list in your purse and began to check things off. You then realize that you forgot cousin Eddy and aunt Ethel’s second cousin myrtle who is going to be at the family dinner this year..people still like cash, right?

If you cant tell from the above scenario….

I despise shopping. When this blog began a few months ago, my second post ever (read it here) was about my strong dislike of shopping, a dislike that is only fueled during the holiday season.It is because of this,that I have developed a very straight forward and strategic method for Christmas shopping, get in and get out..ALIVE. If I can get it online I’m going to. I don’t care if Best Buy themselves are giving away 24 KG iPads to the first 1000 customers on ‘black thufriday’    you will not see me sleeping out in a tent a week in advance. I generally do 90% of my shopping online and make one marathon store shopping session similar to the one described above. That marathon occurred today, and while I am proud to say I made it out alive and most of my presents are nestled snug underneath the tree, the day did not go with out some fun observations that couldn’t help but make my experience a little bit better.

Mele Kalikimaka is the thing to say….

IMG_1265For the first time ever in my life my holiday shopping experience did not involve snow, hauling around a deadly coat (deadly to glass and fragile often expensive items..) and I wasn’t messing with a car whose heater may or may not be working. It was a very warm 70 degrees today when I left on my shopping expedition! I wore jeans, a t-shirt and flip flops..sun roof was open and Bing Crosby’s “Mele Kalikimaka” was playing on the radio..I love you Indiana but Texas has you trumped in the department.

People make/buy the weirdest products..

The rest of this blog post is going to be simple in the fact, that it is going to be littered with all the interesting gift ideas I found while shopping in stores today and while shopping on line earlier in the week. I know we are rebounding from a recession, but some of these items could have fooled me..

The 9IMG_12500’s called, they IMG_1259want their gifts back..

Words cannot describe the sheer shock and amazement when I came across an aisle in Big Lots that showcased 4 new in package VHS tapes, none of which were titles I had ever heard of.  The fun continued when I rounded the corner and found beauty number two, a Nokia ‘candy bar’ phone complete with gray scale screen  17 pin charger and the game snake. Don’t worry ladies and gentleman, the phone is locked up in a glass case as to detour thieves. I imagine the VHS will be in there before long.

Some poor kid somewhere…

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Probably asked Santa to buy them an iPad from the really cool AT&T representative for Christmas. What Santa heard was, “send one of the elves down to the local family dollar and get the new Glow Pad, 2nd generation with ‘No G’ data service for 10$ and call it a day! Same thing right?

 

 

 

 

No Holiday love for Beiber or One Direction…

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Some book store out there is dying to fill the dreams of some pre-teen Bieber or One Direction fan as out of all the book shelves with all the books, this one section had about 30 copies of each book..un-touched. Even more alarming then none of these books being purchased, was the fact that the book title below looked like it had been picked over and a generally quite popular with the public. Then again, with a title such as “raising a non-violent child” how could you not purchase!

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As seen on tv…as wrapped under the tree…..

What better way to get present ideas then staying up till 3 in the morning, long after Letterman andIMG_1252 Obrien have gone to bed, to watch the ever popular ‘as seen on tv’ infomercials. (I wrote another post poking fun of this hobby, you can read it here!) Best part is, you no longer have to pay shipping and handling and processing fees because you can stroll right in to your local store and IMG_1251purchase these must have items! The best item of course, was the 3 piece lint roller set (overly enthusiastic guy not included) with a 5 ft detachable pole. Now, don’t get me wrong, I like to roll lint with the best of them, but what type of clothing is this guy rolling that is going to require a 5ft pole

 

 

 

I would now like to take a second and offer up a moment of silence for the 6 rats and 1 1/2 raccoon that gave their lives (probably against their will) to make this bag so that it could be an unfortunate 30$ Christmas present..your short lived rodent life was not lived in vain..thank you..IMG_1268

Pets deserve presents too…

If you are an ‘avid’ reader, you already know that I’m a bit of a cat person (again, I have another blog post, you can read it here) and while I might obsess from time to time, there are clearly people out there who are going a bit over board, and if I may say so, giving the rest of us cat fans a bad rap. At any rate, I found my email bombarded with the silliest (ok not all are silly ) idea for pet and pet enthusiast presents.

1. First and fore most..CATS USE LITTER BOXES, not 400$ space ships or human toilets. “Ground control to Major Tomcat..permission to lift tail and release fluids?” “Roger that ground control, permission granted”

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2. Dressing your pets, and dressing up like your pets..both ways are to cheerfully and fashionably IMG_0998celebrate the holidays. Is this Vin Diesel look alike is rocking this snowflake turtle neck, cat vest combo or what? He looks ‘purrrrrrfect’

 

 

 

 

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What if you don’t have the money or time to go out and buy an expensive sweater that showcases your love for your feline friend? Do not worry, amazons got your back! This book shows you every possible craft you can make with all that valuable hair you cat leaves behind! The possibilities are endless! and to think, you’ve been rolling that hair up on your new 18$ 5 foot lint roller!

 

 

IMG_1255 Now that you’ve got your holiday outfit picked out (or made…) it is time to get your pet all spiffied up and ready for Santa. While on my shopping marathon today, I found the loveliest little holiday outfit sure to make my little princes just glow. It’s not everyday that your cat has the chance to be a jester, or one of Santa’s elves!

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I’m Thankful For..

In high school (not college thankfully) I was notorious for waiting until the last minute to finish an assignment..and this blog is a child of that principal! Everybody who is anybody has been posting on Facebook daily what they are thankful for and while I’m a bit late to this party, don’t let my tardiness confuse you, I have many many things to be thankful for! The following items meet the Jennifer Shidler “Seal of Approval”

 

I’m Thankful For…

 

1.) Cool side of the pillow, your there for me at 3 and again at 7, thank you for being versatile and not becoming jealous when I cheat on you with another pillow. You will always be my number one..and two!COOL-PILLOW_RK

2.) Vacuum cleaners, as I have never witnessed a more life affirming way to scare the living day lights out of my cats while being productive at the same time. Win Win!

3.) Daylight Savings time, fall back (not spring forward), lets be real, who wouldn’t want to relive 2 am on some random fall evening?fallback

4.) Heated seats, cloth seats, not leather! There is nothing more amazing than walking out to your car on a cold winters morning, starting it up and with 10 shivering minutes..BAM hot crossed buns!

5.) Bathroom acoustics. I don’t want to toot my own horn, but for the last 10 years, I’ve been performing 4 solid concerts a week from the comforts of my bathroom with not a single dry eye, or bubble in the house. This shower singing diva continues to give Whitney Houston and Stevie Nicks a run for their money.

Toothpaste_Squeezer6.)The device that forces the toothpaste to come out in an orderly fashion. This little drill sergeant gets the job done and saves me 2 dollars bi-annually in wasted to toothpaste..and that is no laughing matter.

7.)Cute older people who still bring binoculars to public events. If Paul McCartney lost a contact on stage, the lady in section 208 row 6 seat 5 has got his back.e

8.) Whoever made this coat

9.) Whoever coined the phrase "not tonight honey, I have a headache." This phrase brings as much sadness and disappoint as one of my other favorite phrases, “I’m sorry, we are all out of Twinkies” both have ever lasting effects that are not yet known to man. twinkie

10.) Silent and vibrating options on my phone that successfully allow me to fake a phone call in awkward or tense situations, without allowing real calls to come through systematically blowing my cover and making me look like a weirdo. 

11.) Lunchables, the 1.00 snack that is just enough to get me through until my real food arrives!

12.)For the times that the song that comes on the radio is really ‘under pressure’ by Queen and not ice ice baby ‘Edge of 17′ by Stevie Nicks and not Bootylicious’ and “Werewolves of London” by Warren Zevon and not”All Summer Long” by kid rock

13.) That my iPod lets me skip as much as I want without making me listen to commercials. Take that Pandora.

14.) Thankful or scpelll checiek, because “just sound it out” doesn’t always cut it and because no one wants to be that kid in class that the only word spelled right on their paper is their name..if they are even that lucky..trust me..I know these things.

only-hangers-clear-plastic-top-clothes-hangers_0_400x36015.) Little indents on hangers that keep my clothes from falling on the floor.

16.)The metal wires that held my teeth together for two years. The people of Texas, Indiana, and all that have met me in between thank you. braces

17.)Getting the right key in the right lock in the right direction the first time around, same thing goes with USB drives and cell phone chargers. Getting these right the first time is life’s way of giving you a high five and saying, hey, you did it!

6-13-10 New Vacuum (4)18.) The lines and waves the Vacuum creates on the carpet! It’s a friendly memo that says King Hoover now deems this carpet clean and worthy

19.) Falling asleep on a long road trip and waking up and your half hour from your destination. “What do you mean it takes 16 hours to get from Texas to Indiana? Cause that totally felt like 3 1/2"

20.) Spending a hour agonizing over fries or onion rings, picking one, but having a mix of both in the cup! Life is saying, “Yes, yes you can have your cake and eat it too.”

21.) Sweater shaver. Those cotton fur balls on all my work clothes aren’t going to eat themselves are they? Thank you for making my clothes your steady diet.sweater shaver

22.) The kernels in the bottom of the popcorn bag that refuse to pop. Your stubbornness to conform to the “pressures” around you, is always my favorite part of the popcorn experience. I too, am a rebel!

23.) Knowing friends unlock codes to their phones. What better way to remind them that they should be thinking about you ALL THE TIME, then photo bombing their wallpaper 2-3 times a week.

24.) Digging out a pair of shoes that you once deemed unworthy because they were uncomfortable,  wearing them and realizing there perfect all along.

25.) Making a food item that Finally (after many failed attempts) tastes like how mom used to make it.

26.)Having the perfect comeback at the perfect time. Because yes sir, that IS what she said.

richard_simmons_127.)The moments that I can actually tell when I’m just bored to death and not starving to death. It is dangerous to get the too symptoms confused. Just ask this guy

28.)When the two socks I pull out of the sock drawer match not only color but in style and size

29.) Knowing the automated operator numbers by heart so you don’t have to listen to all the options to know that you need to press 5 for technical support and then 1 for voicemail settings. Take that you automated sorcerer you. 

30.) For Pawn Stars effectively training me on how to spot an authentic civil war gun, samurai sword and babe Ruth card, a true skill set that really rounds out a resume.

31.)The lady at the airport who selflessly tells you everyday "The moving walkway is now coming to and.." Wow, that was a close call.

door32.) Still getting Goosebumps from a favorite song that I’ve heard a millions times over.

33.) The door knobs that easily tell you when the door is locked and NOT LOCKED! No greater reassuring feeling than someone running full speed at your bathroom door like a Velociraptor hunting for prey and that silver button is pressed in and not sticking out. Not today silly velociraptor, not today. 

Tools and Items needed for a Paul McCartney Concert

 

While watching the presidential debates this past month, Romney & Obama spoke on many topics and referenced their plans to get our country back on the economic high path. Romney in particular spoke of his "5 point plan" ( 2 Google searches and a yahoo answers page later I can now name all 5 steps…provided that I have that page pulled up in front of me) and while his plan did not turn out the best outcome, I just know this 12 point plan will put any Paul McCartney fan in the right direction.

It Began with a CD.

In fourth grade I received my very first walk man for my birthday, and with it I received a copy of the white Album and the debut spice girls cd. With the White Album included a postcard mailer that if, returned to the company, would add you to the Paul McCartney fan club! At this point in my life the only fan club I was apart of was the burger king birthday club, so this had to be a step up! It is because of that membership (and the white album still one of my favorites) that I was able to buy my tickets almost a week and a half before they went on sale to the general public. Being a nerd never paid off so much in my life!

Bucket List

My Sophomore English teacher (Mr. Winston) had a great way to keep his students thinking creatively. We had composition notebooks, and each day of class he wrote a two topics on the board that we had to choose from and write about as an entry in a journal. One of the first entries we did into the year was write a 20 point bucket list of things we would want to do before we die. Any guesses on what my first bucket list item was? It said see any of the three Beatles in concert. (George had not yet passed away yet)..I know what your thinking, how could somebody with an awesome bucket list like that NOT be the most popular person in all of Turkey Run Jr. Sr. High?! Baffles me to this day! Smile

 Make sure the outfit is right…

imageAfter spending hours on amazon looking for the right outfit, I found it! I was sold on the shirt from amazon when another interested user asked in the q&a portion of the site, if wearing their shirt would get them some "action"…to which the site holder responded "Our shirts are great ice-breakers but you’ll need to garnish slightly with witty banter and cute smiles to attract your hottie.  However, we’ve heard nothing but successful stories about sweet hook-ups. Good luck"  Oh goodness! If the “action” this savvy shopper was referring to, was some sweet action concert time with Sir Paul, then yes sir, count me in! We also made sure our vehicle was properly dressed as well! Everyone now knows that this 2010 blue dodge journey belongs to a Indiana State University Alum who likes the Beatles and likes to fly (cant tell in this picture but opposite of Abby Road is a pilot sticker!)

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 Keep the man alive!

helicopterFor the love of God, I cannot stress this step enough, keep the man alive until the concert. This article explains it all!  What is it about musicians and aircrafts? have you not studied the lyrics to American pie? Or learned anything from the deaths of Big Bopper, John Denver, Lynard Skynard, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Buddy Holly?! Just say no! And then take a boat…how many of the Beatles died on the Titanic? That’s right, NONE, bam..point made! Also..lets keep this guy, Mark David Chapman, in jail and not on parole…mmmkay

 

 Room décor

Room décor? This is a concert right?! While yes, this is a concert over 3 hours away, but you never know if a blizzard will hit the state of Texas (it could happen right?!), and suddenly Paul Mccartney needs a place to stay! Well your in luck Sir Paul, chateau Shidler in Temple Texas has room in their inn, and the Beatles suite is waiting for you! (hope you like cats, because they’ve learned to like you!) At chateau Shidler we offer breakfast in bed (frosted flakes ok?) and turn down service complete with a lullaby! “Golden slumbers fill your eyes, smiles awake you when you rise, sleep pretty darling do not cry, and I will sing a lullaby”

Chateau Shidler Beatles Suite!

Spread the Word, But try not to alienate co-workers, family, friends and cats…paulcountdown

If there is anything I learned in the years, months, days and hours leading up to my wedding, it is giving a constant update to the upcoming event can be a bit pretentious and annoying.  So, this time around, I tried to keep it simple and classy! Only a few posts when I ordered the tickets and then bi-monthly updates until the week leading into the concert, then its everyman for its self. This rule, although, does not apply to verbal statements with friends, co-workers and customers, as I no longer have a verbal filter that tells me t.o stop. I do have ADD, and this is when it comes out the most. Customer: “hi, my name is Cindy and this is my Husband Paul, we are here to get an iPhone!” “Hi Cindy and Paul, my name is Jennifer and I will be taking care of you today! Paul is a great name, did you know that Paul McCartney is coming to Houston in October!”

Educate the novice Beatle Fan

Matthew, in our four years of dating, has come to know a few of the songs that made the Beatles famous, but he only knows the songs that EVERYBODY knows, which isn’t even scratching the surface, not to mention the fact this is a Paul McCartney concert and he has many hits as a solo artist or with Wings that are just as good (I would argue to say better, listen to the album “Ram”)! So when the concert was announced, operation “Ram” had begun.  We put all the cd’s into playlists and put them on his iPhone and iPod so he could bone up. I refuse to be the there with the obvious bandwagon fan. (I trained the cats too, just in case)

Testing, 1…2…3..

To maximize the concert experience, all scenarios planned out and useful equipment tested before hand. We took a map of Houston, plotted possible parking locations, dinning facilities, double checked with the box office to confirm tickets were there, printed off any confirmation code associated with this event and double checked licenses. Once that was done, we moved to equipment. Camera, check, batteries and charger, check check, cell phone cords, check, car chargers, check and most importantly, iPhone case with external 8 hour battery to increase battery life of phone just in case camera batteries fail, check! Be prepared, not scared!

Excited faces

If your like me, and have been waiting for a moment like this for over 15 years, then it is important to have the proper game face. Just like celebrities at the Oscars, they want to have the perfect look on their face when the presenter calls their name and the camera falls on them..you didn’t think that was natural did you?! (probably is but just go with it) so in the months leading up to this concert, I and many people around me have been practicing our OMG faces! The picture on the far left is the “OMG he is singing Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey!” The middle picture is the “OMG, he is singing Deliver your Children!!” and the third picture is “OMG he is playing HEY JUDE!”

1. OMG he is playing Uncle Albert

Wait impatiently for tickets to arrive

Check mail box 2/3 times a day and harass the mailman until tickets arrive in the mail. (for a while I was beginning to think the mail man was a rolling stones fan, due to their lack of arrival!) No buy and print option here, its not a real concert till some security guard in a bright yellow/orange shirt named pat asks for my tickets and then  gently takes his half of the perforation.

Location, Location, Location

Obsess over seating, spend hours looking at your seating assignment then scouring the web for web sites that show you seat views. Visualize the view and continue to reassure herself that section 208 row 8 seat 5&6 are the best seats in the house and quite worth 2  car payments. Location also includes agonizing the placement of the hotel, parking and food destinations so that you can triangulate and optimize Paul McCartney sightings….or unfortunately, in our case, stay at the semi shady Days in 10 miles away because all the rich Paul McCartney fans have taken every nice hotel room within walking distance of the venue…oh the struggles of being upper lower class!

Prepare your thank you’s in advance

Deliver thank you speeches to all effected parties:

"I would like to thank the city of St. Louis for allowing Paul to do a practice concert with them on 11/11 so that he could effectively rock the house on 11/14 in Houston!!"

“to the person sitting in front of me at the concert, thank you for sacrificing your eardrums. I apologize ahead of time for the lack of hearing in both of your ears..im a bit of a screamer at concerts”

“To the person sitting behind me shouting “OMG this is my favorite song” right before every song starts….go home..your drunk…thank you"

“Thank you to the readers of this blog, who have in no doubt been alienated by my posts and banter on Facebook and at work! I assure you, the real Jennifer will return to her normal, non-obsessing self, in just a few short days, I think..”

Welcome to the 12 weeks of Christmas.

Sat·ire
/ˈsaˌtī(ə)r/
Noun
The use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of A play, novel, film, or other work that uses satire.

The following work of humor, irony, exaggeration and ridicule is dedicated to all those holidays forgotten or skipped over, you did not come and go in vain!

20121110-201341.jpg

  That’s right folks; it’s that time of the year! No, not a leap year! It’s Christmas, and I am here for the next 24 hours to bring you the one and the only master collection of Christmas’s best songs. You’ll have the oldies, the goodies, and the newbies. If it has an “ies” on the end, it’s here. Now you might ask why we are here, bringing you this tremendous offer. And if you’re not, then you should be! The answer is simple: we know how special Christmas music is to you and yours, so we took the liberty to compile all of your favorite hits on our not-so-digitally re-mastered CDs! No more being angry because the radio isn’t playing your favorite song. No more feeling depressed because you can’t find your favorite version of Silent Night. Now you can safely celebrate the holiday season. Tonight, you will be blessed with all 59 songs on 59 CDs!
Now I know what you’re saying, 59 of the best Christmas songs on 59 non re-mastered CDs! What’s the catch? Well there really is no catch. Just call our special non-toll-free number at 765-597-2574 and answer our short 100-question survey. Then, after you give us your social security number, credit card number, blood sample and sign over the life of your first child, your Christmas selections shall arrive by Easter. That’s right, Easter, so you can enjoy your Christmas songs from then until the New Year! Can’t you just imagine the sheer possibilities of being able to listen to Christmas music every day of the week? Some mistake it for being annoying and repetitive. However, I feel that Grandma Got Ran Over By a Reindeer has a certain allure after hearing it 50 times in a row, don’t you?
So now you are probably asking what else is on these wonderful CDs. You already knew that Grandma and her killer reindeer are making an appearance, but what else? Great songs like Frosty the Snowman; who wouldn’t want to hear Frosty the Snowman? This child-stalking snowman sure has a way with the little kids! 12 different versions of the 12 Days of Christmas, Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, and my personal favorite, Feliz Navidad! This song is for those of us who are overcome with boredom in all traditional Christmas songs. Who wants to sing holiday songs in their native language when there are hundreds of neglected languages that scream Christmas? I mean, personally, when I think of Christmas, I think Mexico. I also think of Germany! That’s right folks, we also have the German version of Feliz Navidad, Frohe Weihnachten. And lets not forget Russia, веселое рождество. Christmas just keeps getting better and better with every song and every country!
We here at Willing To Recommend CDs © know that you are buying this music so that you can hear your Christmas classics all year round, but we feel that you also need to sample the songs that will one day be classics. Songs that your kids and your kids’ kids (your grandchildren, for the not so bright) will be singing to you later in life while you sit and wish you were deaf. So for a price of $39.99, we will throw in Christmas from the Ranch, Neverland Ranch that is. Live from his recording studio, we have put together a compilation of Michael’s soon-to-be killer or should we say Thriller hits! On this CD hear Mike sing I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa’s Elf and Wako Jacko’s Coming to Town. If this doesn’t satisfy your Christmas itch, we also have, as an added bonus for $22.99, Kim Kardashians Blonde for the Holidays. On this 3-song CD, we hear Kim sing such songs as We Three Kings of Wal-Mart Are, and All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front…(well, we’ll just say this CD isn’t for the kids). And, finally, Frosty the Red Nosed Alligator is on it as well. I’ve heard that she wrote all the songs herself! She has a lot of talent.
Have we convinced you yet? I thought so! How could you deny this wonderful Christmas offer? Never before have these 59 songs ever been put on these 59 CDs for a price this wonderful: three easy payments of $59.99! And don’t forget the two extra CDs you are paying for. Which makes your Christmas total $ 242.95. But wait, we can’t forget the shipping. So that’s 59 cds plus the two others you bought which equals 61 cds and so that equals $61 in shipping, plus the toaster you get for ordering over the phone for $15 and the shipping for that which is 2, your new and final holiday cd collection total is $320.95. Wow, what a steal! I can already see your holiday season brightening after you get these CDs in five months. This is Willing To Recommend CDs © signing off saying, Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad and watch out for those reindeer

Remember, Remember the Fifth of November.

Due to the craziness that has been my life, this has been my first blog post in almost 3 weeks. I promise I have not forgotten about you all ( all 15 of my followers and one curious person who has told me they are from Oregon, how did you find this blog anyways) My nickname growing up was motormouth, so trust me, you have not heard my last words just yet! I wanted to write todays post on something that is affecting our nation right now as we speak, its in the headlines, on the news, all over facebook..we can not escape it, it is everywhere, over the last few months we have been prepping for this day for, and now it is finally here! Happy Election Birthday to me!!!! ( You didn’t really think I was going to write a post on politics did you?! if you did..shame on you!) Funny Somewhat Topical Ecard: All of my friends are posting intense political rants on facebook, and I'm just over here like, 'Hey, I made pancakes!'

“Ain’t no party like a Liz Lemmon Party, Because a Liz Lemmon Party is Mandatory!”

I was lucky enough to have this day off ( thanks to a special razorback who traded shifts with me!) So during my day off I began to think about what it means to celebrate being a year older and evaluating the several aspects that have made ‘me’ ME for the last 25 years! This full day of evaluation and pondering led to 10 profound/not so profound points on this coming of age day!

1. About a week before the big day I received a special card in the mail! The card was from the insurance company and although it was disguised as a bill, I quickly noticed it was a letter informing me that I would now be receiving a discount on my monthly bill!! YES!!! Car insurance rate is lowered!!!! Look out people of Texas..this 25 year old mediocre driver is saving 15 percent or less on her car insurance, she didn’t even have to switch to Geico, and she’s coming to a highway near you!

2. At the age of 25 I STILL hate getting up early and will literaly wait until the LAST minute to get out of bed. Here is the scenario…”Ok, I have to be at work @ 1pm, it takes a half hour to get there, I have to do the laundry, feed the cats, pack my lunch, take a shower and figure out what im going to wear and how im going to do my hair!” A normal person at the mature age of 25 would handle this situation as follows: “Yeah! tomorrow I get to sleep in a little bit and I will still have all the time I need to get everything on my list accomplished! might even surprise the husband with a cake when he gets home from work! I’m going to set my alarm for 10am!” Here is I handle this situation at the age of 25 ” Ok, have to be at work at 1, need to do all this stuff, should probably get up early for once and get all this stuff done so that i don’t have to be up till 3 am doing this and be tired like I was today. Lets set the alarm for 10:30 am, that should be plenty of time do everything. –10:30 rolls around, ok, if I hit the snooze for 10 minutes, that will make it 10:40..shouldnt loose too much with that..10:40, who gets up at such a weird number like 10:40? 10:30 or 10:45 maybe, but not 10:40. Better hit snooze again and revisit this situation in the clarity of a more ‘normal’ number. 10:50..dangit! increments of 10! Didnt think that through, oh well, better hit snooze again, that will make it 11:00, a rounded number and then i can start my day off on the right foot! 12pm..Crap…what do you mean you can only hit snooze three times before the alarm shuts off?! Whose idea was that..im so angry..im just need a quick nap just so I don’t scream!!!..ill get up in 10 minutes. 12:10…CRAP! I have to be at work in 45 minutes..I have 15 minutes to get ready..tommorow im going to get up earlier and do all this stuff that did I didn’t do today…..(every inch of this speaks so much truth it frightens me lol)

;

Indiana state Unviersity 2010

3. Just today I learned that maturity in decision-making becomes a lot easier at the age of 25. For example, in college, I thought it was funny and not wrong to log onto Wikipedia pages and freely edit their information for my own amusement. I once got on to the Indiana State University Wiki page and added famous alumni such as Oprah, Chuck Norris and, YOURS TRULY 🙂 Now, at the mature age of 25 I knew I was doing something incredibly wrong before I did it, and felt moderately guilty afterwords 😉

Pretty sure wikipedia already removed this from the 11/5 page 😦

4. Laundry still sucks at the age of 25…I loathe laundry to such a point that in the next week or two I actually have a FULL blog post dedicated to just this topic. On my birthday I did 5, count them 5, loads of laundry which is no fun game when you live on the second floor of an apartment complex and the laundry room is downstairs and on the backside fo the building. Today i thought i would be cleaver and pack all the laundry into large rolling suitcases complete with detergent and softer and headed downstairs like a nomad on an epic journey..this worked great..until I had to haul those bad boys upstairs..laundry fail.

Anyone at any age can throw up in a car..dosnt magicaly stop at 25!
Anyone at any age can throw up in a car..dosnt magicaly stop at 25!

5. It seems that 25 is the magical driving age, because not only are my insurance rates lowered, but I can officially rent a car from any respectable car company (willing to rent me the car that is 😉 without having to pay an extra 50 dollars a day!!!!! It seems funny to me that so many other age limitation milestones are met way before one turns 25. For instance, If i wanted to, i could have been married, voted, been to war, been divorced and buy alcohol and cigarettes, all before the age of 22, but if i wanted to rent a car to be able to do any of these things…nope sorry..that will be 50 extra dollars please!

Im not this stupid..pretty sure I’ve come close!

6. Oh Natural Selection, you tried your best.. but I Showed you!! :)In my younger days, and my mother can back me up on this, I had a weee bit of a problem with fire, and by problem, I liked to lite things on fire. First memorable occasion I can think of is my mom having a candle on the mantle and me thinking it was fun to lite pieces of computer paper on fire take them back to my room and blow them out..No worries, every 10-year-old melts their bedroom carpet at least once in their life time right? Or my attempts to ‘put’ out a wall sconce that i thought was out of control with a can of OFF…(did you know that just makes the fire bigger?

Rowdy Bitty Baby!

7. Some quick young adult math: In 5 years im going to be 30..in 15 years im going to be 40..25 years im going to be 50! I am half way to be middle aged..Is there such thing as a reverse mid-life crisis? Should I buy the minivan and wear the mom jeans now because I want to make myself appear older..then in 15 years trade this in for a Camaro and skinny jeans because my mini van and mom jeans make me to old? Plus..i just found a gray hair on my cat..what does that mean?! (it means i have a grey cat..and he was born that way..but that’s besides the point)

clap on, clap off, the clapper!

8. I have recently learned in the last few years that my days of staying out till really late, going to midnight movie premiers than popping up real quick at 8 am to go to work the next morning are nearly if not all the way gone. I was in no way a “partier” in my ‘younger’ days. But my friends and i knew how to have good legal fun! Now a days, i promise, I still enjoy good legal fun, but I have a 10 clock curfew on work nights, 8 o clock if i open the next morning, and a midnight curfew on nights where Idon’t even work the next day…I feel that my eyes don’t see quite as well at night as they used to and those pesky dear don’t mess around here in Texas. yep…we’re thinking of installing the clapper next week…

Scorpio
Not a self portrait…

9. I can remember as a pre-teen in the days when I was first allowed to by Teen People and J-14 magazine at the Rockville IGA that there are these little pieces of fiction called horoscopes. Oh girls used to live there Nsync and Backstreet boys days on these star driven social maps destin to lead you to your next big crush. Since I have not read a horoscope for myself in YEARS (mainly because I don not believe in them) decided to read one just to see if it makes any sense at all. It is as follows: Monday, Nov 5, 2012 — We may have to revisit a job that we thought was already finished, but this first full day of Mercury’s retrograde can also buy us time by extending deadlines. Although the dramatic Leo Moon encourages overstated actions, we are wiser to take a more conservative approach today. Things are not as they appear now and making assumptions will lead to problems that eat up a lot of time, especially once the Moon enters critical Virgo at 11:34 pm EST.Ok, right of the bat..how in the world is this supposed to help anyone? Tell me again why i care about Mercury’s retrograde? I can barely spell retrograde let alone figure out how it is supposed to help me gain all the love and wealth I need in the world. And im sorry Leo, but I just moved 16 hours away from home for the first time in life away from my family..I barely have enough time for my dramatic moon let alone yours, so keep that to yourself! The only amusing part I learned about my horoscope was the fun fact section included at the bottom: “If You Were Born Today, November 5: You possess a rare balance between introspection and extraversion ( is this another way of saying im awesome?). You are able to look within for answers, and often do, yet reaching out to others and making social connections also comes fairly easily to you (Please tell me more about how im awesome and people love me). You are quietly ambitious (haha..there is a first I’ve never been quiet at anything), and a strong sense that you will achieve can carry you far(not sure that sentence even makes sense..but oh well).You have an aptitude for the written word and/or you are able to charm others through your words(whoever wrote this horoscope has obviously read this blog, was it you mr. Oregon? But they also have no idea that I cant spell me way out of a paper bag). You are more adaptable than most Scorpios, yet you are determined in whatever ignites your passions. You perhaps appear to be more versatile than you actually are (I’m sneaky like that). You possess your own unique vision(if by unique vision you mean almost legally blind with out my glasses or contacts, then yes, that’s me ),and you are not a conformist. Driven by a quiet sense of a personal mission (there is that quiet word again..you really don’t know me do you..or am I whispering to low for you), if you follow your intuition, success is almost guaranteed. Famous people born today: Elke Sommer, Roy Rogers, Tatum O’Neil, Art Garfunkel, Bryan Adams, Vivien Leigh. Awesome..I share my birthday with a cowboy, a spoiled child star, the “Rhoda” of a music duo and a not bad Canadian singer..could be worse right 😉

10. “I’ve brought you into this world, and I can take you out!” we have all heard this end all one liner used my moms all around the world to snap their kids back into reality, and while I’m sure its pretty hard to reintroduce a teenager back in to the womb after 18 years (not to mention uncomfortable) and murder is still illegal in all 50 states and Puerto Rico, the phrase bares some

My Mommy and I

poetic truth! Leads me to realize why are people showering me with gifts, why are 94 people writing on my Facebook wall congratulating me on my birth when I’m quite certain my mom should be the one getting all the praises. She did all the work of labor (even if it was a planned c section..lame..lol) and to top it all of has managed not to kill me in the last 25 years (forget the wrath of survival of the fittest). This is no easy feat for anyone as, I am no ‘walk in the park’ to deal with. My mom, like the strong victim of a 25-year-old hurricane named Jennifer has endured my bad grades in elementary,school shouting matches because I didn’t want to clean my room, mad because I wanted whatever the new toy or electronic was even though we couldn’t afford it, mad because I was the only sophomore riding the school bus, fake attempts to run away from home, melted carpets, scorched walls, car accidents..yada yada yada, my brat list goes on forever and forever. So Mommy, if you are reading this…thank you for allowing me to live 😉 ❤