A Christmas Poem…

The following poem is based on semi true events….

One day I’ll share the full story of what happened that fateful night, but only when my therapist gives me the ok. 

T’was the night before Christmas and all through the house, flour was everywhere, mostly down my blouse.

The pie crust was flung over the pan without care in hopes that salmonella would not be there.

The puppies had burrowed down deep in the chair, burying their noses from what smelled like burnt hair

And Matthew with the fire extinguisher and I with the water, while mom’s in the corner screaming “Why even bother!!”

When out of the alarm there arose annoying chatter, I hit it with the broom to shut it up faster

Away to the oven we flew like a flash, tore open the garbage pail, because this pies now trash

The smoke in the kitchen had begun to grow, just the cherry on top of this Christmas sh*t show

When, what to my watery eyes should I see, a pristine frozen pie baked by Sara Lee

With the oven still on I knew pretty quick, I could salvage this Christmas like a pig with lipstick

The pie was in one piece, who cares it’s not cherry, “just don’t burn it this time, this is our last Hail Mary”

The timer was set, I wound it myself, “if they want a fresh pie next year they can bake it their self.”

As the buzzer went off no one batted an eye, hope Santa doesn’t mind the taste of mincemeat pie.

Pierogi Math

I’ve been bit by the “Baking Bug” which, from what I hear is similar to being bit by bed bugs but this is messier and more painful.

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It started harmless enough. We are within spitting distance of thanksgiving which means Hallmark is full of all these wonderful scenes of happy people baking these perfect cookies and pastries.  They made it look easy, so I took the bait and made cookies….from scratch…..for the first time ever. Needless to say, 3 days, 2 audio books and countless dishwasher loads later, I have 40 marginally attractive cookies ready for consumption by anyone willing to risk their diabetic status and dental fillings. Let me know if you need my address.

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But this wasn’t enough for me, oh no! I craved more! More mess, more dishes and more “Hey Siri, how long should you melt butter in the microwave?”

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While cleaning earlier this week I came across my daily planner from my freshman year of college. I thumbed through the 12-year old items that I once thought worthy of a bullet point, expecting to see reminders for assignments that may or may not have been turned in on time. Then I saw it in all its highlighted glory “Pierogi Night.” Oh! Pierogis, how could I forget every one’s favorite polish treat! Lost on what a pierogi is? Let my Veggietale friends, Bob and Larry, break it down for you here!

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There were two distinct groups of people freshman year of college. Those who hated the dining hall experience and saved their meal credits for the Campus commons on the weekend and then those who had the dining hall webpage saved on their desktop, so they could plan their schedule around where their next meal was coming from. I’ll let you guess which group I was in.

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Seeing that I haven’t had a decent pierogi in 10 years, I asked my trusted advisor Siri for her best pierogi recipe.  As if the adventure was kismet I had ALL the ingredients on hand. I jumped out of bed, laid out my clothes for the day and hopped in the shower. I needed to feel and look my best for this polish adventure.

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The whole journey, while messy wasn’t terrible, but wasn’t pleasant either. Just picture Lucy and Ethel on the conveyor belt but instead of chocolate and a shift manager to fight off, I was covered in flour and dough while also feigning off two cats with a rolling pin. Yep, it was every bit dramatic as it sounds.

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I also failed to realize when I began making this dish was the number of pierogis I would be left with. 34. I made 34 pierogis for two people, 1 of which I’m not even sure likes pierogis. Hopefully he does because we each have 17 of them to consume in the next 3 days. Per person That’s 5 ½ pierogis a day, or alternatively 2ish pierogis a meal (breakfast, lunch and dinner) for three days straight. That’s a lot of dough and potato. I don’t know if that is a commitment I was ready to make yet.

What would you like to see me bake next? Leave me a recipe link in the comment box down below. And please, for the sake of my arteries and refrigerator space, make sure the recipe doesn’t make enough to feed a small army!