New Year’s Resolutions I Should Make, But Won’t…..

…..Because I know better

Well folks, it’s that time of the year where everyone likes to get serious, dig down deep into their soul and pick at their flaws like a teenager with pimples.  The good news for you is, I don’t do serious, reflective writing and am a firm believer that pimples should be popped in the comfort and privacy of one’s own home!

So, today we are going to discuss the resolutions I should make, but won’t because I know a losing battle when I see one.

  • Stop posting every thought that comes to my mind. Example: Not everyone wants to know that my dog, cat and husband kept me up snoring all night, and they certainly don’t need audio and visual proof.
  • Stop threating to make my husband sleep on the couch every time he drives slow in the left lane.
  • Stop forcing passengers in my car to listen to whatever song I am currently obsessed with on repeat for weeks on end.
  • Stop waiting to put gas in the car before the display screen replaces the speed with a picture of a gas pump and the words LOW FUEL.
  • Stop strategically planning what car my husband drives based off of fuel needs.
  • Stop kicking the ice that falls out of the ice maker under the fridge.
  • Stop negativaly judging people when they say the 2nd Willy Wonka is better than the 1st
  • Stop making fun of mesothelioma commercials
  • Stop reading the plots to movies ahead of time on IMDb
  • Stop judging people who defend Nickelback
  • Stop trying to trick my dogs into thinking that I stole their ears.
  • Stop watching the Sound of Music on repeat.
  • Stop passing gas and blaming it on the dogs or rogue indoor geese
  • Stop rolling my eyes when 20 something’s say words like “iconic” and “relatable”

So tell me readers, what is a New Year’s resolution you should make, but won’t because you know better.

 

See you in 2019!

Advertisements

In Memorian of Vincent Jingle Bottoms

If you joined us Saturday, you will know we broke a news story about Vincent the Elf (here). Today we honor him..

Vincent Jingle Bottoms

June 12, 1340 – December 26, 2018

Vincent Jingle Bottoms, 678, of Nolanville, (formally of the North Pole) passed away Wednesday, Dec. 26, 2018, at his residence. He was born on June 12, 1340, in the North Pole, to Master Elves, Dancer and Sparkle (Sugar Plum) Jingle Bottoms.

He graduated from the St. Nick School of Expectational Elves in 1360 and received an additional degree from Purdue University in Engineering in 1987. Vincent was a member of the North Pole United Hockey Team where he played goalie. He enjoyed reading, gift wrapping and spending time with his family.

Vincent was preceded in death by his father, Dancer, and pet cat, Rowdy.
He is survived by his adoptive Christmas family, Matthew & Jennifer Shidler, and pets Mosby (cat) Wrigley & Lucy (dogs)

A celebration of life will be held Monday December 31st. Family and friends are encouraged to attend and share stories, poems and memories of their time with Vincent. Cremation was originally chosen but due to current circumstances surrounding Vincent’s death and the ongoing investigation by the FBI, the family has chosen a private burial at a later time in an undisclosed location. All arrangements have been entrusted to Hefty & Sons.

Memorial contributions may be made to GoFundMe where an account has been started to cover burial costs. Any remaining funds will go towards grief counseling for Santa and his remaining elves as well as support groups for other elves dealing with domestic violence situations.

300 Writing Prompts # 2: Write Tonight’s News Headline At Your House….

Imagine you are a news anchor. Write the beginning of tonight’s newscast script.

INTRO MUSIC:

VOICE OVER: “Proud to serve central Nolanville and the west side of Boxer Street, this is WYRU-Reading News 38. Closed captioning of the following programing is brought to you by WYRU- Reading & the First National Bank of Piggy. And now Boxer Streets leading newscaster Jennifer Lynne.”

Jennifer: Good evening and thank you for joining us. Our top story tonight:  A local family finds themselves a little less merry and bright tonight after what authorities are calling the worst attack on an elf in decades.  The 678-year-old Christmas Elf which was reported missing early Wednesday was found dead in his holiday vacation home early this afternoon.

Boxer Street police said a family member discovered the body underneath the couch in the shared family house at about 1:30 p.m. on Decemember 29th. The Elf, who has been identified as Vincent, was spending the extended holiday at his new vacation shelf in Nolanville, according to a family friend.

The FBI joined the investigation because the elf initially was reported missing the day after Christmas by authorities in charge of attendance compliance at the North Pole.

Police detectives and crime scene investigators began searching the house late Thursday after obtaining a warrant. Not all details of the crime have been released by investigators yet.

The medical examiner’s office says the cause of death is being ruled as blunt force trauma and sharp force injuries similar to a mauling or bear attack. Police Chief Mosby said. As such, this case is being considered a homicide.

IMG_1297

It is Boxer Streets first homicide of 2019, Chief Mosby said.

No arrests have been made as of yet, but 2 suspects, Wrigley and Lucy Shidler, remain in police custody for questioning.

18222165_10101998704557164_5347491317964317101_n
Suspects being held for questioning

Neighbors described Vincent as a friendly, outgoing elf. “Always keeping a watchful eye, and leaving presents for his family” said Carla Kilburn, a friend close to the family. “His personality – he was very stoic yet charming.”

“This is almost dreamlike,” said Kilburn. “It just didn’t seem true at all, I guess he must have over stayed his welcome.”

A GoFund me account has been started in Vincent’s name to cover cremation and burial costs. Any remaining funds will go towards grief counseling for Santa and his remaining elves as well as support groups for other elves dealing with domestic violence situations.

Police ask that anyone with information on this case are urged to contact Boxer Street PD at (765) 867-5309

 

 

 

300 Writing Prompts # 1: Best Way To Spend A Lazy Day

What is your favorite way to spend a lazy day?

The simple answer to this is, at home and in my pajamas with my cats and dogs. The full answer is much more complex and is comprised of the following components:

  • Surroundings
  • Attire
  • Nutrition
  • Entertainment

The surroundings are very important, and it goes way deeper than just being at home with my pets. Also, this almost always requires two days off in a row. I must sacrifice the first lazy day to the productivity Gods. This is so that I can prepare every inch of my house for the second day of pure and utter laziness. I will strip the bed, wash every piece of laundry, do all the dishes, heck, I’ll even clean out my nightstand. I do all this prep work so that when midnight hits of the actual “lazy day” I can relax unbothered and remain unmotivated by my surroundings.

The attire is also carefully planned out. The amateur lazy person would say that what you wear depends on the weather outside, but they are WRONG. I’m no amateur. I want to be lazy and cozy, even if its 105 outside. The simple solution is to crank the air to 62* and find my favorite hoody, sweat pants and blankets.

Nutrition is key on a lazy day as it is important to keep your strength up. My menu varies depending on what we have on hand and what I feel like, but the usual suspects are frosted flakes, mashed potatoes, egg salad sandwiches, ramen, ginger ale and milk. Not all at the same time of course…although I always say I’ll try anything once!

Entertainment is the final category that fuels the motivation for a lazy day. More often than not it’s the TV series I’ve just gotten hooked on or the book that I can’t seem to put down that motivates (or un-motivates rather) me for a lazy day.

So tell me, what is your favorite way to spend a lazy day?

 

A Christmas Poem…

The following poem is based on semi true events….

One day I’ll share the full story of what happened that fateful night, but only when my therapist gives me the ok. 

T’was the night before Christmas and all through the house, flour was everywhere, mostly down my blouse.

The pie crust was flung over the pan without care in hopes that salmonella would not be there.

The puppies had burrowed down deep in the chair, burying their noses from what smelled like burnt hair

And Matthew with the fire extinguisher and I with the water, while mom’s in the corner screaming “Why even bother!!”

When out of the alarm there arose annoying chatter, I hit it with the broom to shut it up faster

Away to the oven we flew like a flash, tore open the garbage pail, because this pies now trash

The smoke in the kitchen had begun to grow, just the cherry on top of this Christmas sh*t show

When, what to my watery eyes should I see, a pristine frozen pie baked by Sara Lee

With the oven still on I knew pretty quick, I could salvage this Christmas like a pig with lipstick

The pie was in one piece, who cares it’s not cherry, “just don’t burn it this time, this is our last Hail Mary”

The timer was set, I wound it myself, “if they want a fresh pie next year they can bake it their self.”

As the buzzer went off no one batted an eye, hope Santa doesn’t mind the taste of mincemeat pie.

Sitting In The Stands of The Sports Arena…

I know Christmas is the season for kindness and giving, but this blog post idea has been stolen from The Confusing Middle.  I have come to terms with my thievery and I hope you will too when you see how fun and pleasantly distracting the content is 🙂

Oh, and don’t worry, I asked Santa for creativity and originality for Christmas, lets see if the big guy delivers!

Today we are going to play a fun game, and I hope you will play along below in the comments and on your blog as well! Lets begin shall we!

  • Put your music player on random.
  • Post the first line (or so, some are hard) from the first 20 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song.
  • Post and let everyone you know guess what SONG AND ARTIST the lines come from.
  • Italicize the songs when someone guesses correctly (No lyric hunting! That’s cheating! We are on the honor system here!)
  • After doing the first 20, listen to one more random song and post it as your title.
  1.  It’s our party we can do what we want, It’s our party we can say what we want
  2. Gotta leave town, got another appointment, spent all my rent girl you know I enjoyed it
  3. Everybody groove to the music, every body jam
  4. And the rain beats on my roof, and it does not ask for proof
  5. I’m fixing a hole where the rain gets in and stops my mind from wandering
  6. I can feel it, coming in the air tonight, oh lord
  7. Feelings, inside of my head I don’t know, but I’m thinking about you
  8. Dog goes woof, cat goes meow, bird goes tweet and mouse goes squeak
  9. Someone please save us,us college kids! what my parents told me
    is what I did.
  10. I want to break free, I want to break free,,
  11. People say im the life of the party cause i tell a joke or two.
  12. Stop! In the name of love..
  13. I once had a girl, or should I say, She once had me
  14. I’m full, of regret for all the things that I have done and said
  15. Never gave you nothin’ People couldn’t explain away Never gave you nothin’ Without something to gain
  16. The trouble with schools is, they always try to teach the wrong lesson
  17. Well, im a runnin down the road tryin to loosen my load
  18. Dont think about it, just move your body listen to the music
  19. I’ve been around the world, had my pick of any girl, you’d think I’d be happy but im not
  20. Rows and flows of angel Hair and ice cream castles in the air

 

So there you are, 20 shuffled songs for your guessing pleasure! If you fill this out, let me know, I love a challenge!