Halloween Costumes For the Pratical Adult

Well ladies and gentlemen, we did it. Another All-Hallows Eve is upon us. What, if at all, do I dress up as this year? In my research for Halloween greatness I have found there to be several categories for casual dress up and yet I seem to fit in none of them (story of my life). Let us explore these unwanted categories together, shall we.

Category 1: Family friendly dress up

Kids make dressing up on Halloween socially accepted and more fun when you are an adult. But, unless you can find a way to get my 24 lb. cat with a mood disorder (isn’t that all cats though?) to stay in a monkey costume for longer than 5 seconds, this category doesn’t apply to me sadly.

Category 2: Night of The Living Inappropriate

Dead sexy or I guess ‘sexy dead’ seems to be the go-to theme for Halloween parties in your 20/30s. Sexy dead nurse, sexy dead nun, sexy dead road kill, wait what?! I’m past my 20’s and last time I checked, a beat-up ground hog wearing a bikini with bronzer and highlighter wasn’t my idea of a good time.  (For the record I never visited this costume phase. I Did not pass go and did not collect 200$).

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Category 3: Couple or Group Costume

Salt & pepper, bacon & eggs, and Barbie and Ken. The more the merrier right? Wrong. This was the category for me until I remembered that all my friends live 1000 miles away and the chances of getting my husband to dress up as Barbie while I steal the show as Ken, is slim to none.

So where does this leave me? None of the above-mentioned costumes or themes speak to me. I must take matters into my own hands and create a whole new category;

Category 4: Just trying to survive life

In this category, we will explore in more depth the parts of life that are truly horrifying but don’t get enough ‘street cred’ in the costume department.

  1. Dress up as your favorite expensive bra (because this stuff only happens to the expensive ones), but instead of an “even horizon”, one side is drooping, and the other side is now stabbing you with a wire that was once your supportive friend. Bump up the scary factor a few notches by snapping off two of the four hooks and twisting  the strap around five times.
  2. Dress up as your esophagus after making the dumb decision of eating pizza after 8 p.m. For an added bonus, hold up an empty bottle of tums and a clock that says 4 a.m.
  3. Dress up as a tube of toothpaste that has been manhandled by a family of 5. There is still plenty of toothpaste left, but due to the unorganized pattern of which it was squeezed, it has been rendered useless. Extra scary points if you can lose the cap and add a stray beard hair…or 3.
  4. Dress up as the mysterious red blinking LED light that is always invisible during the day when you can do something about it, but at night when you are trying to sleep and don’t have a sledge hammer handy, becomes a beacon of hope for wayward gnats and moths everywhere. Add a high pitch hum or whirring sound to elevate this look to a whole new level.
  5. Dress up as a questionably sticky surface. Did a cat throw up here? Did a toddler just recklessly eat cotton candy? Perhaps a family of 12 just had pancakes. The point is, we don’t know why it’s sticky, and worse yet, there isn’t a clean towel or drop of water to be found anywhere. Insert cold shudder and sour face here.

There you have it folks, five scary costume ideas for the practical adult. Let me know below what you are dressing up as, unless it’s a sexy dead ground hog, I don’t have time for that here.

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Non-Writer/Writers Block

Several people have asked where I have been hiding this past few months. No blogs, no videos, I have vanished once again into thin air without explanation. I do have a reason, a shotty one to be honest. A perfect trifecta of incidents has combined to cause my absence. One-part travel, one-part motivation (or lack there-of) and one-part writers block. Well, non-writer-writers block. I am not completely convinced that jotting down every weird thought or scenario that comes into my head makes me “writer” just yet.

To be truthful, my truancy hadn’t bothered me much until my sister in law, Tifany, grilled me about my poor writing attendance in the middle of Barnes and Noble on a cold and rainy Thursday afternoon. I made a vague excuse about not having time and that I was just waiting for life to return to normal. I was partly hopeful but partly lying. To be honest, I am not sure what normal in my life looks like right now. If you assembled normal and other seasons of life in a line up, I would not be able to positively ID it.

My sister in law didn’t buy my excuse and well, neither did I. When they left to go back home to Indiana a few days later, she insisted that I write something soon or she would ground me.

Since no one at the age of 30 should be grounded, I decided to take action. With my travels for the year over (unless any of you readers want to send me on a cruise) and my new-found motivation pushing me forward, I have no other excuses than to tackle that pesky “writers block” excuse once and for all. #letsdothis

Here we are. Day 3 staring at this screen with nothing. I just keep glaring at this blinking curser. I wouldn’t say it’s mocking me just yet, but there have been a few times where I swear it just disappears to check and see if I’m still paying attention. I am, but barely. I have started, stopped and erased at least 4 different blog posts in the last 3 days. Is it still considered non-writers-writers block when 90% of the words you type are grammatically incorrect anyways? My theory has always been, you can make up for poor grammar as long as you make the reader laugh. It’s not like they will have time to whip out their red ink pen and fill up the margins with corrections if they are too busy wiping their tears and catching their breath from laughter, right?  Right!

So, what should I do when I don’t have a funny commentary to offer but still have a writing itch to scratch and a wonderful sister in law to appease? I guess just write something and hope you, the reader, see past the imperfections and stick around. I have nothing to bribe you with other than the promise that one day the funny will return and we will all once again rejoice as we “roll on the floor laughing” or whatever phrase the cool kids are using these days.

So that’s the plan. We are going to take this one day at a time. Some days will be funnier than others and some will be more grammatically coherent than others. The important thing is we will get through this together, mmkay!

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Today on Dr. Phil: Sibling Rivalry after 30..

Ten days, well, a year and ten days if you want to be specific. That’s what separates my brother and I, at least in terms of age. We technically missed the term of “Irish twins” by two hands worth of fingers, which is ok, because we aren’t really twins in any other category either.

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William, my brother, is the older, wiser sibling. Not that it was a competition or anything, (I think both parties need to be aware of the race for it to count) but he was always 1 step ahead of me in every category. If you are not already singing, “anything you can do, I can do better” in your head than you should be.

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William is taller than me, skinnier than me, had an honors diploma in high school, went to a “Big 10 College” (mine was more like a Big 10 sometimes college) and for the love of everything Holy, he always knew how to hook up my TV, DVD player and VCR up in a way that allowed them all to work properly. I still don’t know how to do that one.

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What are my “I can do anything better than you” moments you ask? Well, I learned our home phone number and address before him and made sure his preschool teacher Miss Anita knew about it. I can recite on command (although it’s a talent that is almost never requested) any theme song or useless commercial jingle from memory, and I did not hijack and wreck our Mom’s rider lawn mower in a “drive your tractor to school day” stunt in high school.

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We were not bad kids by any means. In fact, if you measure and rate the overall behavior of siblings by the number of times the police or fire departments were called, we were perfect angels. We did, however, have our fair share of fights and arguments that either ended with one person (William) locked in a bedroom, or a 3 way scream match via the phone to my mom’s office.

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These post school phone calls were conducted like a trial by jury. William and I would race off the bus, pick up a phone and dial our mom who would be expecting us. We did this so many times that even now, 20 years later, I still know her office number by heart. (765-569-3156 if you are wondering) We would each plead our case over her speaker phone as to why the other was in the wrong and my mom’s co-workers, all standing around her desk, would chuckle and tell us to leave each other alone and go to our room until the referee (mom) got home.

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Sometimes this would work but since I was built more like a lineman for the Chicago Bears and he was built more like the president of the chess club, I could pick a fight and usually secure a victory. Thanks again not only to my football physique but also to an incorrectly installed door knob that allowed me to lock his door from the outside. Although, William might have been on to something there. Why stay out in the living room and fight an annoying little sister when you can just “let” her win, and let her lock you in the room and finally gain the peace and quiet you longed for to begin with. Dang it.

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Anyways, I digress. William also flew the coop way before me as well. Now, I understand that this was bound to happen because he is in fact older than me, but it was like he flipped a switch over night and was suddenly an adult.  He got a “real” cell phone (none of that prepaid stuff) in 11th grade, which was rare back in the day, he bought his own car and car insurance years and I do mean years, before me and he even joined the Army National Guard so he could pay for college without any help from our mom. While I did pay for my college degree, my mom did buy me my first car my sophomore year of college and kept me on her car insurance until I got married. (Thank you mommy).

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So, what is this all about? While I admit that this does sound like an application to be on a dysfunctional episode of Dr. Phil, it is in reality, a poorly written letter of gratitude to my brother who is celebrating is 32nd birthday today. Even though it seems that I have painted a jealousy tinted portrait of sibling rivalry, I have more or less outlined all the ways William has pushed me to be a better version of myself and while sometimes I have fallen short of his bench mark, it is the race, imaginary or not, that keeps me going!

The phone calls we share today are no longer mini episodes of “The People’s Court” but more like two friends catching up at the end, or at the beginning, of a busy week. We tell jokes that makes the other laugh, give tv show recommendations, brag or complain about our pets and vent about the current stresses in our life.

I’m not sure when the switch was flipped, and we went from being siblings to friends, I’m just glad that it happened because I honestly don’t have the energy to lock you in your room any more. Enjoy your birthday and the next 10 days of being “2ish” years older than me!

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