The following is something I wrote the summer of 2009 as I worked a 12am – 7 am shift in the computer lab at Indiana State University. Matthew and I would have been dating for about 10 months and this note is looking at the years 2006-2009. I found this today as I was cleaning and packing our office. And while I vaguely remember writing this, It is a great reminder of how AWESOME our God is!
“He came through for me just as I was about to doubt him, God that is. It’s funny you know, there have been so many reasons for me to angry, irritated, doubtful, mad, and confused in the last 5 years, and believe me, I have had my share of these emotions at times, but in the end, I have tried to remain faithful that, God’s plan, whatever it may be, would prevail and that I would someday understand the doubts, the irritations, and the worries. I am sitting at work tonight, trying to place myself in my shoes a year ago (July 2008). Who was I? Where was I at in my life, what were my goals, what were my worries, who did I even hang out with? As I sat here replaying the last summers events through my mind like a 1970’s video reel, I became rather tearful, which I guess is ok because, let’s face it, there is no one in the lab right now, its 4 am.
Where was I last year (July 2008)? Scared. Scared of having to pay rent for the first time in my life, scared that I was going to be a junior in college and afraid that I would lose the good grades I have just started to earn a few semesters before. Worried that I would be to afraid to venture out of central Indiana to pursue a job that I would love, and worried that I would be alone forever. That’s a scary feeling you know. It was a terrible feeling to see that all of my friends were getting married, and here I was, “alone”; while as embarrassing as it is to admit, it just proves God’s amazingness even more. I can still remember those first few nights/weeks in the new house. I was so scared, all alone, in the “city”. I put my trunk and chair in front of my door and slept with the lights on. Yes, lights on. I also remember fighting back and forth with myself and with God. I wanted to believe the words I was telling myself every time I began to feel this way, that God had this amazing person out there for me, that he wouldn’t leave me hanging, and I just needed to work through things, but as soon as I would tell myself that he had a plan and that it would be ok, I would immediately find myself screaming quietly “WHERE IS HE? WHY IS THIS SO HARD? WHY AM I STILL ALONE?” This inner tormenting had been happening for years, and at the time, I never thought it was going to end.
Then, as if it part of His plan all along, I remember lying in bed one night, it was just a few short weeks after my junior year of college started, and I found myself again crying and praying. Like usual when I was alone at night, I just accepted the reality that maybe God had something different for me, maybe there was some greater plan that didn’t necessarily involve a knight in shining armor. It was then that I decided that no matter his plan I would embrace it and remember that HIS will and HIS way is better than any road journey I could ever come up with.
Now with that said, I want to reveal the true amazingness that HE is. While I had decided then to no longer doubt and argue in my prayers, I really did not think that God would show up and reveal part of his plan to me so soon. I thought somewhere down the road, maybe after college the pieces of the puzzle would come together and I would have this grand “a-ha” moment. If you are reading this now, I imagine you know exactly what happened; I met the man that I KNOW God has planned for me to be with. The feeling of knowing you are a part of something that God has brought together and blessed is a feeling that cannot be put in to words. In fact, when I ever I try to explore, to break down or analyze the way that Matt and I came to be, tears are what come out instead.
I feel that one of the greatest aspects of this particular plan is that the same way God prepared me and my heart, God prepared Matthew’s. A few weeks after being with Matthew we began to talk about our relationship with God, where he has lead us individually and where we hoped to be led in the future, things like that. The topic of our biggest struggles came up. And we quickly realized that our stories were not that different from each others. Matthew prayed the same prayer and had the same conversation with God that I had just weeks before I did. For once, neither one of us asked that God stop the lollygagging and send the one we were supposed to be with, but rather we asked for peace, patience and understanding with whatever plan and path HE had choose for us.
And here we are almost 11 months later, and I find myself tearing up every day thinking about how much I doubted God and his plan for me. Yes, I know it’s going to be hard, and yes, there are times where I’m going to want to doubt situations in my life. It is my continual trust and faith in God that keeps me going from day to day, even when sometimes I just feel like giving up”
Written July 29, 2009