“Don’t Worry, I Found it on Craigslist…”

It started like most other internet adventures begin..I was bored, it was cold/rainy outside, and the people or things I generally “stalk” (just to be clear, see this article here to see if you are an official Facebook stalker, I ‘think’ I passed lol)  on Facebook were apparently living non-virtual lives at the time (ugh). I became hard pressed to find something better to do. So for kicks and laughs I wondered on to Craigslist to see what the local Texans & not so local Hoosiers were giving away or selling. And since not everyone has the time to casually scour craigslist like I, I have compiled a list for you so that you can perhaps spend those hard earned tax checks, the right way! P.s. if any of my readers were the original authors of these real posts ( a big part of me hopes not!) consider this as more of a new marketing strategy than sheer mockery. For all others reading this..please feel free to “lol” “SMH” “ROTFL” and “LMBO” or whatever other clever acronym you can think of.

Animals…yep..we got em’!

1.) If you or yours are looking to start a new business in the booming world of poultry, than craigslist has got you covered! These were just 2 of the countless posts of sellers seeking buyers for their feathered friends! I learned a few things from this experience..1. Did you know that there are more than one breed of chickens? 2. Like most Apple products today, its best that you pre-order your chicken, as to avoid them selling out before you get yours they are apparently in high demand. and 3. You get a 72 hour warranty on their life..that’s it. After those 72 hours its a shoe box a shovel and tears shed for a broken business..but no replacements (at least with apple you get a one year warranty!)

2.) As for this second post from “Sean”, there are many things I find worrying and confusing here. 1st red flag, you gave it a search tag of “prohibited” that sounds real legit! Also, I feel you may have had more luck/success with this post if you changed a few things. First, make it more inviting.. (And less illegal..that will help you too…) “Friendly “pet” rooster seeks friendship from funny Texas chicken little. Must be looking to start a family but willing to give up one or more of offspring at the choosing of my human guardian Sean. Must be willing to travel as my family and I are from Haiti. Can’t wait to hear from you..” Picture9

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3.) What if poultry isn’t your cup of tea? That’s alright, the wonderful residents of Terre Haute have you covered with the best of the best. Meet this female dumbo rat! I have lovingly named her Muffins, but if you purchase her for your family, feel free to name her what you please! She does come complete with a new hamster cage (makes sense..I cant remember the last time I saw a proper rat cage at Wal-Mart that wasn’t from the lovely people of D-Con) and proper utensils. She is well behaved and well dressed as she has a ‘nice coat’ (probably came from Burlington!) Picture1

4.) The most popular sought out animal on craigslist tied between cats and dogs of course. Which is completely understandable. Who wouldn’t want to buy their next pets from here, especially with such warm and welcoming descriptions the next two give… I am so confused by this first post, I cant decide whether the source is trying to find kittens so he can feed his pet snakes, or he is trying to warn the good pet owners of America that there is a mid to high risk that a rouge vigilante snake owner army out there that may try to steal my cats to feed to their snakes. . If the second half is true..WHY IS NO ONE WARNING THE PEOPLE!! lets start a petition, get a celebrity spokes person, put together a facebook group, organize a prime time concert and raise the funds so that we can save these critters Cats are friends..NOT SNAKE FOOD! “WAKE UP PEOPLE IF YOU LOVE YOUR KITTENS” Picture3 130130-220932

5.) They say when selling a property that location location location is every thing. I’m pretty sure with craigslist its all about the title. With that said, I couldn’t help but click on a post that said “good loving sexy pit-bull” further more I couldn’t help but read said post to decide if the good loving sexy pitbull was in fact referring to the animal or the owners (eeek).. (I blocked the faces to protect the innocence of the dog..lol).

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Craigslist, the premier provider of used batteries, flip phones and used furniture…

Kids these days, they have it made! When I was youngin’ when we wanted to go through peoples old random junk, we had to wait till that person put their stuff on the curb ready for trash dasy. THis person was not always your neighbor (although when it was, YEEE HAWWW) so you had to scope it out..know your houses and know your trash days ( just for the record..I never did this honest ) Well now a days, people post online their actual address (seems real smart to me..not) what was going to be on the curb and when it was going out. Where is the fun in that, you have taken the hunt out! The following are what I like to think of as “come and get it ya’ll” posts…

6.) The first picture, came to us from the “historic” district of temple (yep..that’s one history lesson i don’t want to learn..). Sir, You had me at yellow, you sealed the deal at velvet, and left me with tears of joy at free. These people went with the honest sales approach.. “its old and seen better days..& hasn’t been rained on…yet”

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7.) As a person who sells cell phones for a living, this next post is near and dear to my heart. For 10$ this person is selling a sprint flip phone. Now, i know what your thinking..10$ what’s the catch? No catch that I can see..(other than the carrier lol) it comes with full ‘signal bars’, 2 1/2 g’s service, it is easy to ‘texas’ on (text on to most people lol)  polyphonic Britney Spears ringtone, snake…IN COLOR..all the kernels are intact (bahahah)  and it makes that snap noise when you open it that says “I’m large.. in charge”Picture15

8.) How many times have you bought the kids a new toy and thought “dang it..forgot the batteries” well no more are the nights of running quickly to wal-mart to grab the batteries. Now, just pull up the C-list, get your batteries and refill your bottle of vitamins while your at it. Picture22 “60% of the time..these batteries will work every time..” I find it alarming that they didn’t find the effort to test all the batteries, but did take the time to compile a basic pie chart of the amount of power left total.  Even more alarming on my part is that it took me a full minute to figure out what the “five one two 568 four six six three” nonsense was..must be a new language that only true craiglisters get..(I know now its a phone number..lol)

9.) If your in the area of Harker Heights, we can get you a great deal on a work out mat.  Not Picture14a lot of info nor a price, but we have a motivated seller as they want it gone NOW.! I am not entirely sure what this yoga mat did or what it is capable of doing, but buyer be cautious as the previous owner does not appear to be completely satisfied..

10.) Remember that booming chicken business you allowed your self to think about starting when you first started reading this blog post…well I got you your chicken coupe to complete your ensemble! Your chickens will have the hottest crib on the block in this luxurious 3 bedroom 2 bath chicken condo. While most poultry are not normally migratory birds, with beauty, you can pack up your fine feather friends and head for the south when the weather gets to be a bit cold! How many of those standard model coupes can do that, huh?

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Looking for people…yep, we got them too..

This is perhaps the creepiest part of craigslist. After reading some of these posts I felt the need to shower…twice. Others were harmless..some even promising!

11.) The only promising one out of the lot Picture26was a job post fit for a special person. Only craigslist can you find a job that pays you 15 dollars to distract a cat from its owner until the sun is bright enough for a window nap. 15 dollars an hour..a cat.. and they are providing breakfast and lunch. Sign me up!

12.) The harmless but still weird post is from an individual who is seeking an R. Kelly impersonator Picture7to narrate their day to day life. Sounds harmless as the applicant would get an hourly rate, although i don’t think there will be any health benefits offered. Intrigued, I did a quick Google search since i really don’t know who R. Kelly is and quickly determined that I would probably not pass the first round of auditions..maybe next time.

13.) The weird just keeps getting weirder…Picture13this post was simply titled john and was posted a mere 23 minutes before I had stumbled upon it. Apart from the poor grammar, the post in all sounded like a drunk conversation or at best a long Facebook status. I cant be 100% sure, but it is possible that the author was listening to “every breath you take” by the police as they were writing this. (Ps. if you know john very well..why do you not know his last name so that you can facebook stalk him like the rest of us…lol)

14.) The ONLY reason I am posting this next and last ad is because I feel that I may be of some service by helping these lost souls make their connections. Earlier in this blog (#5) we discovered in the animal section a “good loving sexy pit-bull” that was looking for a new home that promised not to poop or pee on the carpet (can’t necessarily promise that with the alternative..). While this current post is looking for something in the 18 year age range, this puppy is almost there in dog years and if I do say so myself that pit-bull does look pretty classy..(or was it lassy..either way)

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A New Year…A Newish Me!

new years I mentioned in my last blog that I would come up with a list of my “resolutions” for the 2013 year and that is exactly what this weeks blog is going to cover. These resolutions, while they may seem silly, are genuine and are ones that I spent a lot of time thinking and praying about as we ushered in the new year hence why I am just now getting around to posting them 4 weeks in to the new year!

1. Jennifer, please learn to set your alarm more than just an hour beforealarm you have to be at work, and set an alarm on days that you have off as well!

Did you know that if you are awake for even just a few hours before you actually have to be at work (when working a closing shift) that you can not only have more time to get ready, iron your clothes, straighten your hair etc.. but you can actually do a load of laundry? further more..the dishwasher and vacuum..they both work before noon! Who would have ‘thunk’ it…;)

EmptyGasGauge 2. Jennifer, do not let your gas tank empty light come on.

While the rush of not knowing if your going to make it home or not is quite addicting, I imagine over time the over all effects of my car rolling in on fumes will be less entertaining when im spending hundreds of dollars that I don’t have to fix a machine that I rely on daily.

3. Jennifer, stop trying to figure out gifts/Christmas presents before youpeeking get them.

My husband after 5 years with me knows that I am terrible at this. I will exhaust every effort in order to know what present I am getting whether it is for my anniversary, birthday or Christmas. The sad part is since I was little I’ve almost always known what items awaited me. I can recall as a young child sneaking in the living room to where my mom kept her car keys, and making my way out to the trunk of our brown Chevy celebrity  and peeking in to the bags to see what “santa” had brought me! I’ve been known to check we browser histories, emails and bank statements until the secrets are revealed. Terrible to admit but sadly true! What’s worse is I tell Matt all the time that I want him to surprise me all the time..but yet I make it so hard for him. Poor thing..he had no idea what he was getting himself into 😉

 laundrysort4. Jennifer, Don’t just make piles but organize.

Try putting your clothes in the right sorting bin when you take them off rather than just throwing them on the floor, or just putting them in any ol’ bin i feel like. (This also means not throwing them in the bathtub to sit until you take a shower.)

5. Jennifer, do something different with your hair at least two times a week and take more pride in my appearance!cuthair

I’ve never been a girly girl. Never learned to French braid, heck, I barely learned to do a normal braid. I was that girl that owned one Barbie. Gymnast Barbie, not the electric one, but the early 90’s barbie that you used your imagination with to make her do her flips and turns. She was beautiful for the first month or two. Then she became ‘I don’t care barbie’. She became late for work, often was missing her clothes and when she did have them on they were miss matched. She had a lot of float time in the bath tub, her hair was matted, that is until some 9 year old with her moms scissors got a hold of her beautiful blonde locks and cut them all off. This should have been a sign right of the bat. Maybe if I had been one of those girls who practice braiding their dolls hair to perfection I may have carried that over to my own head. Not so much!

 pen caps6. Jennifer, stop chewing..on everything!

This resolution includes but is not limited to the following. Hoodie cords, finger nails, pen tops, water bottle lids, straws, I tried a Google search for a term for a person who has to chew on things most of the time and a solution for such a problem. Most of the web responses and forums i found were for golden retrievers and other mis-behaving pets, and while I am not a canine, I have decided just the same that I should probably give up my chewing ways.

7. Jennifer, when you are done with a roll of toilet paper, replace the toilet-paper-rollold  cardboard with one that has a brand new roll of white fluffy toilet paper attached to it!

(again a novel concept) This is where my behaviors scarily mirror that of a college frat boy and I become truly ashamed! (thank goodness I don’t have to make the conscience decision to put the seat up and down lol)

greys-anatomy-mcdreamy 8. Jennifer, realize that Dr.s are your friend, not the enemy!

I have no problems taking my cats to the vet once a week until they are all better, but you have a better chance of all 4 of The Beatles going on a reunion tour than you do have of getting me into the Dr.s office. I can do the dentist and Eye Dr. but that is it. Maybe I should feel blessed that nothing has seriously effected my health to date, but that is not always going to be the case and the older I get it probably does not hurt to be more proactive and preventative then reactive and waiting till its too late

9.) Jennifer, for the love of God, you are 25 years old and have a commas Bachelors degree, learn where a comma goes in a sentence once and for all!

If you have been reading my blog from the beginning you probably already know that comma placement is a common theme I bring up when talking about my poor grammar skills. I owe it to every teacher that received many a grey hair from teaching me for 12 years to learn this basic skill once and for all.

Please_Put_Things_Back 10. Jennifer, put things back where you got them after you use them.

Its truly a novel concept, one that I should probably have learned in kindergarten, but we all see how well that comma thing worked out, did you really expect that to be the only lesson that has taken me twice as long that the average person to learn?

11. Jennifer, please limit food,cat and other random instagram photosinstagram posted to facebook to half of your current usage.

It is no secret that I like instagram like everyone else out there, but do you all really need to see the picture of my coffee at work in “sierra” tone and a picture of an empty toilet paper roll at home in “earlybird” hue? Probably not! These are not the most moving pictures to be posted and if they happened to be omitted from social media it would probably not be the end of the world.

excuses-excuses-850 12. Jennifer, stop making quite as many excuses.

I’m a difficult person, I will be the first and definitely not that last person to admit it. One of my most unattractive people qualities is my inability to admit blame or defeat. “Jennifer, you only sold 10 of your required 50 tablets last month” Me: “But I had that headache that one day, and and and someone took my clipboard and and and, my socks didn’t match today and and and I could not find my lucky pen, ……”  Accept constructive criticism and move on, not everyone is out to see your failure!

13. Jennifer, remind your husband daily how much he means to you!matandjen

And remind yourself how different your life would be if he was not at your side. God has blessed you, don’t let yourself take that blessing for granted.

 supersize

14. Jennifer, when the

drive through attendant

asks you if you want to

supersize that order,

JUST SAY NO!

 15. Jennifer, make sure you have the right phone number before you go texting friends a silly text message!

Just today a co-worker and I made the terrible decision to send a series of funny texts to who we thought was a co-worker, only to find that we were off by one number and now texting some random man pictures of our cats in their new bow ties. Needless to say the shock and embaressment could have been avoided if we would have checked the full phone number one more time before sending the text 🙂IMG_1684[1]IMG_1683[1]

16. Jennifer, try not to beat myself up so much on the child/kid/Young Adult you used to be, but use those experiences to make your present and future self a better person.

One of the biggest problems I struggle with as a 25 year old is reflecting back on the way I acted as a child and mentally beating myself up for it. Many times I think “what i wouldn’t give to go back and change it all..” I would have liked to have been the one who got mostly A’s and B’s starting in 1st grade (not waiting until my junior year of high school). What would it have been like if I was the the child who did everything they were asked of at home versus making the other sibling or worse mom do it after I complained/lied/threw a fit. Did I ever tell so and so how much I truly appreciated when they did this for me that one time? Did I ever apologize to so and so when I did whatever it was that I did? Why does it take me sooo long to learn lessons? Almost all of these resolutions are ideas I should ALREADY be practicing as a 25 year old and not just committing to for the first time. I guess they say better late then never, right?

The Who What Where When Why of About That!

fivewsA new year usually means new beginnings, resolutions made, resolutions broken, and a rush to get ones tax return check back as soon as possible! I do plan to have a post about my amazing resolutions as soon as I find out which ones made it past the first few weeks and which ones bit the dust before the sun rose the next morning, but today’s post is about this blog specifically. I realize now, almost 4 months and 13 blog posts later, I never really explained what it was I am doing here. It was not until last month a reader sent me a message as follows: “Hey, love your stuff, really funny, but what is your theme of your blog?” Wow..theme? really? This isn’t college folks..no syllabus..no midterms and no finals. Just ask any of my teachers in High school, (several read this blog 🙂 ) and they will be the first to tell you that one of my many writing errors in school was my ability to swim around a subject for hours, 5 pages worth of type, but never really make once concise point, valid theme or legitimate statement that brought the whole paper together. (Some things never change) So it is my first resolution that I bring you, The 5 W’s of my blog.

Who:

For those of you who do not know me (probably none of you, but letsmemattcats pretend) my name is Jennifer  Shidler, I am a 25 year old Scorpio who enjoys short walks on the beach and reading looking at pictures in books/magazines! I spent 23 years of my life in beautiful Parke County Indiana where everyone knows your business and most everyone has your back! I graduated from Turkey Run Jr-Sr High School (No Texas readers, for the last time..we did not race turkeys) my class had about45 students. Don’t let our small size fool you, I was blessed with some of the best classmates (many of which I had been in class with from preschool all the way to college) and many teachers that I am so very proud to have as friends and apart of my life today! As a person I may come off as naive/silly but most of the time that is used as a wall to avoid or diffuse serious situations. ( I can be really smart, promise). I have 2 cats. Rowdy and Mosby. Even if you don’t know me in person, you should know this information just by the sheer fact that I turkey run am slightly obsessed with them and they are usually brought up at least once or twice in each post. (Learn to deal with it..I know I am 😉 ) I am terrible at spelling and grammar and I rarely put the right punctuation in the right spot and I like to overly use (………..) when trying to make a point that is intended to make you ponder. Comas..they exist..just not sure where they belong so, I put, them, where, I feel, like I would, need, to take, a breath, in the, middle of a, sentence. Depending on my exercise habits for that week, this could mean a lot of commas or a few commas, could go either way. Even though terms like “LOL, and Hahaha” have no place in official writings for school, they have a home here in my blog, if for nothing else but to let you know that you were supposed to laugh at the end of that last statement (just in case you didn’t get to that emotion on your own). I will write a sentence then write a another sentence in parentheses just so you can know what I am thinking in my head. (as if the whole post isn’t already what I’m thinking.)

What:

“Hey, love your stuff, really funny, but what is your theme of your blog?” Thank you Mr/Mrs  caray2anonymous , 1. for reading (lol) and 2. for asking a valid question! Answer..Nothing..this is a blog about nothing (hey, it worked from Seinfeld didn’t it?) As I said earlier, there is no real theme for this blog. I know a lot of blogs out there focus on sports, music, art, fan sites for their favorite tv shows and so and so fourth, but those are usually posts from experts to people looking to become experts. Lets be real, there is not a whole lot I’m an expert on! When eating a whole box of cereal in two days and finishing off a gallon of milk in one becomes a real attention getter for a blog, I’ll switch over to a theme, but until then I will stick to what works so far. Randomness! The posts from me that you read are nothing more than the little thoughts that pop up in my head as I am driving to work, cooking supper or doing the laundry. If my thought process was a baseball game then my writings are a Harry Caray and Ron Santo commentary, a play by play if you will! If any of you reading who have known me for a while have wanted to know what goes on in my head..this is it! (now you know why I always have a smile on my face!)

Where:

Ok, I really did not think of the concept of the 5 W’s all the way through, as where really does not IMG_1619apply here, but I will take a stab at it!  Where…um..This blog is coming to you all the way from sunny Temple Texas! (read all about Texas in an earlier post HERE). I Started writing this blog right after we moved here as a hobby. I was working part time at my job so for the first time since HS I had a  little more time on my hands, but seeing as I was now 18 hours away from home, boredom was more depressing than fun, so I needed a hobby to revive me. Now even though I’m back to work 40-45 hours a week, I am still trying to make time to post one of these every week or two. I write this blog in several different places. Like a puzzle, you will find its pieces on my phone in the notes section, written of to the side on my clipboard at work and through funny instagram posts. Its right before I post the blog online to all the pieces come together as one.

When:

When ever I get a chance! I am in no way brief when it comes to writing (or talking) so it is a lot to try to write more than one of these a week between work, house duties and my studies on becoming a card carrying cat lady (takes a lot of work ya know!). I am also a competitive person (even with myself) Each post i try to out do the one before it, and while it does not always work, I still manage to over think and over analyze ever thing making an hour process last three days. Yeah me! I can guarantee that my posts come at night after I’ve gotten off work as I have now learned that i get all my best ideas or funny ‘diddeys’ at 2 in the morning. (P.S. almost nothing you write after midnight sounds anywhere near as catchy the next morning. Case in point “diddy” diddy is not a mid day word, diddy is clearly a product of a 2 am thought)This means the post is there waiting for you when you get up in the A.M. so you can drink your caffeine of choice and either read the newspaper or what ever funny thing I have to say. ( PICK ME PICK ME!)

 

Why:

I have pretty much already summed up in other sections this last “W” (again, I didn’t really think this through) but I will attempt to do something that I am not really good at, tying this all together. I Write this blog for a few reasons.

  1. To give myself something to do. My normal routine I’ve become accustomed to the last few years has been disrupted, and to be honest, this blog, crocheting and Pinterest crafts have filled the void quite nicely! Plus its a great way for friends and family back home to keep up with their Texas cowpokes.
  2. To make you laugh. The minute people stop telling me this is funny or people stop dropping  by to read, I will probably stop typing my random thoughts up. Not saying that the random thoughts and voices will stop (bahaha) friends will still be receiving their daily Jennifer funnies/crazies, but they will just come from their normal format. Facebook posts, annoying instagram photos, and witty texts. It will happen some day I’m sure, just hope its not for a while! So if you want these to keep coming..let me know..send me a comment, write on my fbook wall, or sign up to follow me (that’s right..I’m asking you to stalk me!)  Picture1
  3. I want to be like my momma! Right before Matthew and I found out we were moving, I spent a few days at my moms house spring cleaning and mom and I came across some of her ‘funnies’ she had written on a type writer years ago. Funny poems about my brother and I as kids and short stories (even an obituary) about Smokey the Bear (a great friend of the family!) had me rolling on the floor laughing and practically in tears. I know a lot of people as they are becoming adults (holy cow..I’m an adult now too aren’t I?) say they don’t want to sound like their parents..well I can say with certain confidence that I have no problem being witty and funny just like her!