How Not To Cook A Turkey Dinner

  About That Evening Post

Turkey Found Abused & Tortured


Temple, Texas–A one year old turkey found dead and burned after what officals are calling an ‘apparent temperature overdose’. “The scene was gruesome, and showed obvious signs of pre-meditation” said Rowdy Hen, Senior detective Temple Police. “The kitchen looked like a bomb went off, and a charged burning stench poured out of the oven.” The defendant in custody, 25 year old Jennifer Shidler, told the reporters that it was an accident and she didnt mean for anyone to get hurt. The call to police came in just after noon on Christmas Day, when neighbors reported hearting strange loud noises, screams and profanity. “All was quite at first, then all the sudden we heard a few shouts, then screaming followed by a thud, then all we heard was crying. Next thing we knew, the whole apartment building began to smell like burnt gym shoes,” Georgia Kipper, neighbor of Shidler, recalled. “We had no idea she (Jennifer) was capable of such cruel devistation.” Shidler is being held without bond while she awaits trial. Services for the Turkey, 1 year old Edward B. Utterball, will be held January 1st at noon…..




















Ok ladies and gentleman, it is the long awaited sequel. Last week I talked about the best strategy on how to shop for your food for your first ever holiday dinner, and i completely intended on the next post (This one) to talk about how to cook that food (specifically the turkey)for the very first time, that is until I realized  I am the very last person to be giving this advice (real or funny). But hey, that hasn’t stopped me before has it ;)The turkey was a bit burnt on the outside..apparently with out a little bit of liquid in the roaster with the turkey and a tempture set 25 degrees higher than intended for an hour longer than intended is a sure fire way to produce an overly done turkey. After a 30 minute cry session and phone chat with the turkey whisper (my mom)the burnt bird was carved and deemed edible by my guests. I repeat, no family or friends were harmed in the making of this Christmas dinner.   

How NOT to cook your first ever Turkey dinner

1.)Pick the perfect bird, give him or her a name. After three phone calls to my mom and three goggle searches in the middle of walmart at 10 oclock at night, we choose Edward (eddie for short). A proud 13 lb butterball. Edward was raised with out hormones,unlike the chef cooking it!I like to imagine that Eddie was raised in a quiet upstate New York farm where he was valedictorian of his class, lived a full life and acomplished all his dreams before retiring to my oven in late 2012. (hey..whatever helps you sleep at night, right?) Dont be alarmed if you find yourself overly attached to your new friend. When you open his packaging and remove the ‘gifts’ he left behind for you in his chest cavity, those warm fuzzy feelings of love and adoration will soon fade. 

2.) Watch every youtube video you can find. As the boyscouts said, be prepared, not scared, I used every waking moment I had, either watching Youtube videos of cheery cooks with proffesional equipment cooking a turkey similar to eddie (probably a distant cousin or neighbor) with the greatest of ease, or reading magazines which showcased birds to pretty to even eat. Instead of taking advice from the Boy Scouts, i should have been taking advice from smokey the bear “Only you can prevent forrest  turkey fires”

3.) Give your bird the propper send off. We choose to brine edward. This meant preparing over 8 quarts (p.s. i took me longer to figure out the conversion rate from quarts to cups then it took the farmer to raise, plumpen, slaugher package and ship edward to my local grociery store. Mathematics fail..) of water, brother and herbal seasoning to create the perfect poultry bubble bath complete with seasonings that would open your sinus’s for a year. The next mission was finding a bag (might has well have been a body bag) big enough to allow him to soak over night. He was pampered until the very end. 

4.)Get up early  whenever you feel like it to put the bird in the oven. Just like setting an alarm to get up in the morning for work, what started out as a 6:00 am wake up call for the last rights of eddie the bird, ended up with 15 snoozes and the thought “ehh christmas dinner served at 9pm sounds alot better” Next thing you know, its noon, the presents are opened the disney parade is over and your suddenly worried because you dont know which will happen first, you will burn the bird, or the chinese resturant will close. 

5.) For the love of God, CHECK THE TURKEY! You dont want the first time you see the bird after putting him in the oven in the morning, to be through a thick smokey haze broken up only by the white fluff of the fire extinguisher. 

6.)Have the number and locations of local Emergency rooms with a color coded map detailing the best routes that will get you and your family there the fastest. This will not only save valuable time ensuring your loved ones saftey, but also allows more time for presents and the parade. Plus, it is more gas efficient (not that there will be a shortage of gas with this holiday dinner) 🙂

 7.)Get the rest of the side dishes ready. I have a tiny kitchen with limited counterspace, combined with my lack of patience and cooking skills, the side dishes were as instant as they could get. The least instant and most originaly of course being my personal favorite is the cranberry sauce 🙂 No formal dinner is complete with out this cranberry gelatin concotion. This special delicacy takes a certain finness to remove the perfect gelatin form fromt he can with out disrupting its perfect shape. Who said cooking the turkey was the hardest part of the meal anyway..

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