How not to be a cat lady; Advice from a self-proclaimed cat lady

Have you ever been wrongly accused of being a cat lady? Have you ever wondered how you can effectively share the love of your cats with others without fitting in to the harsh social terms associated with the awesomeness that is keeper of the cats?
Have no fear, Jennifer, the self-proclaimed cat lady is here with a few pieces of advice to keep you out of the cat lady grey area and into feline friendly zone!

Urban dictionary and wikipedia label a stereotypical cat lady, or cat woman, as a single woman (romantically challenged) who dotes upon her cat or cats.The term is usually considered pejorative,though it is sometimes embraced. In the words Michelle Tanner from full house, “How Rude”

Cat Call!
How do you refer to your cat in public, does it differ from when your at home, behind closed doors? Are you and your cat strictly on a first name bases..fluffy,muffy, puffy or fred? Or are they a different combination of sweetie, baby or my personal favorite bitty baby? When they meow back are you quite certain they are calling you mommy and daddy?
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Pretty Kitty Profile
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You are more than likely mistaken for a cat lady if you have multiple photo albums containing picture after picture of your precious babies. As a cat owner cautious of your Cat reputation, your probably asking how much is too much? And trust me, we’ve all been there. Do i post the pictures of the halloween costumes, or their birthday party pictures, first prom, first date..how about both? After hours of looking at proofs, consulting ivy league mathematical scholars, I have devised the perfect equation that will let you fill those Facebook and Instagram albums with out overdoing it and alienating family friends and coworkers.

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The cat to human picture ration must be less than or equal to the that of the years of the combined ages (cat years of course) of all cats living under one roof (stuffed/taxidermy cats exempt and need not apply) plus the combined owners ages – 25 then divided by average number of misplaced hairballs in a week. Please use the FOIL method to solve for X, feel free to round up if it makes you feel better. For example our household equation is as follows 14+50-25/6=6.5. So this house hold of two cats can have an average of 7 pretty kitty pictures a week!

You’ve Got Mail!

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How do your pets choose to communicate to the outside world? Do they send post cards that they have hand picked out and signed? Christmas cards? Do they send texts? or as we continue forth in our social networking world, do they Facebook family friends and other cats? And while we are on the subject of Facebook pages and cats, when you go to upload your allotted mathematical ratio of cat pictures a week, does the automated tagging robot mistake your cats face as your own?

…:Some housekeeping bullet points:….
Do your cats have more holiday themed outfits to break out at parties than you do?
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Are you often temped to interrupt co-workers chatting at the water cooler about their “childs” first steps, first day of school, prom or wedding with how your cat made them most adorable face right before it slept for 8 hours straight?
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Have you ever tried to walk your cat?

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Do you spend most of your time texting people pictures of your cats and or is your goal to find the last emoticon ap that features cats?!

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Are you spending so much time taking care of your cats and making sure they are clean that they have to keep you clean?

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Do you write a blog post tying to warn people of the dangers of appearing to be a cat lady,but in reality just wanted a new medium to showcase the fury ones in your life?! 😉

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No thank you, I’m just looking!

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Why i dislike shopping in a place in which the people working there are paid mostly on commission ( and yes i realize the irony in the fact that this is currently how i make a living) Whether it is clothes (though I rarely shop in clothing stores that work on commission and prolly for this reason) jewelry stores, and electronics, my most common experience. I had no particular item in mind when I entered best buy, just wanted to peruse the DVDs, check out the cleareance electronics and just to genuinely enjoy my day off. I walk in the doors and round one begins, The first employee in encounter litteraly follows me all the way to the dvd section of the store asking me if i was in here for anything particular, what was on sale and that if i needed anything to come and ask. I believe my first answer of, “no, im just looking around, killing time, here for nothing in particular” should have covered all my bases, but nope..the quesions ensued until i managed to loose them in Spanish television series and the best of TELEMUNDO! Finally some peace to peruse..i could sift through the titles, see whats out there..maybe read the backs of the covers! Freedom! I was feeling good aboout this now, i was displaying all the proper signs, no eye contact, telephone in my hand ready to take a fake phone call at a moments notice, not looking too hard for any particular product, and looking like i possessed little to no money! All the key factors in appearing invisible while shopping.

After finding pochohantas and the original parent trap on DVD, I moved on to concur another section. Ipads and ipad accessories. A deeper level in which the more employees are stragecally layed out like a pinball game, if i bounce off of a wall and avoid on, there is one waiting in the wings, ready to light up. I rounded the corner, and much to my suprise..there they were, all standing in a circle dissing the iphone 5 and generally ignoring not only me, but everyone in their section. For a moment all i could think was, if this was me and my co-workers, we would all be getting an email or an evil eye from our manager. Ironic Statement number 2: I can totally see why and completely agree with the managerial evil eye! To someone who was generally there to purchase something and wanted expert advice, the group of employees were putting off stronger “Leave me alone signals” than I was. For a brief moment I thought of asking some random question, or giving them false hope in an ipad sale even though i already have 2 ipads and have no intention of buying anymore, but quickly realized that my whole mission would be a wash and I am not strong enough to say no.

Here i was, now rounding out the back of the store and there it was..i could see it! the doors! two more sections to sift through, and since I didnt really look like i was in the market for a washer dryer combo, I was really almost to the finish line. Cd racks and check out is what stood between me and a seemingly uniterupted shopping experience. I was so excited i was practically giddy, made me want to buy something just to commemorate such an event! (maybe that was todays strategy in the back-room..”leave them alone..maybe they will buy more) I looked through the concert cd’s and DVD’s as i am trying to get matthew prepaired for my Sir Paul McCartney in 60 days, found what i was looking for and entered the check out line.

I cant believe it, there was no wait! I felt like this was a dream! I found myself particularly chatty with the cashier; Rookie mistake! she mistook my over eager conversation as an easy sale! There I was, 5 feet from the finish line and I found myself bombarded with questions that I didn’t want to answer..no I don’t have a best buy credit card, no i don’t want to sign up for one, no I don’t have a rewards card, no i don’t want to sign up for one, no i don’t have an email address i would like to give you for information on sales and coupons, and yes, i will give you my number for system purpose, 867-5309. Better luck next time I guess!

How not to bake a cake..iphone style!

Inspired by the impending launch of the iphone 5, i thought it would be cute to bake an iphone themed cake to bring to work to share with my coworkers. How hard could it be i figured..a cake pan is already the general shape of the iphone, slap some white icing on the side, black icing in the middle for the screen, draw out some icons for the middle and call it a day, presto..a cake sure to please all.

20120913-213602.jpg these are the ingredients and tools needed to make such a cake!

Step one..mix and bake cake..previosly beileved to be the easiest part of the process i was about to endure was quickly ended when i read the back of the box..i did a quick check while at the store to make sure i was leaving with ALL the ingredients..meggs, oill water..check check check.. but while in the comfort of my own home, my first challenge reared its head..1/4 cup of oil..1 1/2 of water and three egg whites (a total of six since i was making two boxes) ..excuse me..egg whites only..you can separate them? do they know this? I had in my possession 7 eggs all of which ready to give their lives for my iphone cake..room for error and practice..1 egg. I called both my mom and mother in law, both great bakers, in hopes of some advice on how to divorce the egg yolks from their whites. After positive reinforcement…I set out to get my bake on….

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….and failed miserably….

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Whats the worst thing that could happen if i let 1 or 6 egg yolks in to my batter…oh it could make my “white” cake yellow you say..hmm..well maybe apple will release an off white/yellow iphone..time to move on!

The mixing of the batter is quite possibly the best part of cake baking..look out Betty Crocker..Jennifer Shidler is in the house and shes got this white iphone cake under control!

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20120913-220833.jpg i dont care what they say on the back of the box..”dont eat raw batter…yada yada yada salmonella” I’ve been scraping the sides of mixing bowls and rubber spatulas since i was 5, and besides the small fact that i cannot separate the egg yolk from its whites..i like to think i turned out just fine!

Preheat the oven to 350 and then bake for 45 minutes! half way their ladies and gentleman..no fire alarms..nothing has been dropped lost or spilled and dishes are surprisingly washed right after their use! Anticipating that i would focusing all my energy on this cake I strategically bought a rotesiery chicken from walmart..

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Little did i know that i could have hatched, raised, harvested, plucked and cooked the chicken a lot easier and just bought and cake…but oh well, thats a lesson learned for next time.

As the caked baked in the oven for 45 minutes..(for once i actually remembered to set a timer) my motivation for this cake dwindled..not helped by the fact that i received my pre sale ticket code for my paul McCartney tickets..next thing i know its 10 pm..my white cake is as cool as a cucumber siting on them table..weapons of icing destruction un-used, un-opened and screaming to “create” and me sitting on the couch researching downtown Houston hotels and parking options for my concert all while simultaneously monitoring the “likes” streaming in from my facebook page from people who are (if not already) tired of hearing me talk about my sir Pauls arival to the lone star state. I began to feel guilty as the cake sat their..another unfinished product, a quality of which im famous for..I decided to trudge on even if i did have to be at work at 8 am..let the icing begin..

20120913-223614.jpg as i planned out my icons i realized my battle wasnt even half way done..i only had one tool to help me ice..and needed about 15 different colors ..yep definitely didnt think this through..after each color i had to rinse the icing out of the tube and then mix up a bown of other colors..i hate dishes and this project screamed 3 loads for the dishwasher..9 icons in and the cake began to look less and less like an iphone and more and more like a big mistake..

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yep folks..this is my cake…a product of love, stress and little to no knowledge of baking. Needless to say this never made it to work..i and those most honest around me..have decided that i should instead stick to selling the phone as opposed to trying to recreate it in more artistic forms..agreed..

Lessons I learned from this whole experience

1. there is nothing wrong with trying something new..and failing..
2. i need to invent a tool that divorces the yolk from the white
3. My husband just informed me, internet confirmed that the aforementioned tool does exist, and is now on my Christmas list.
4. that icing color stains carpet..who would have known..
5. From now on..ill shall employ/seek them help of others for all my baking needs!